The DEBacle

Forgive me for I have not blogged

2011-11-24T23:51:00.000-05:00

My only excuse is this year has been absolute hell with Braden's illness.
Where to begin: Braden had to quit school in May due to his illness. He's been to sooo many doctors, nobody in Hamilton could help him so we had to go to Mt. Sinai in toronto, then Toronto Western in Toronto, and finally, Etobicoke. Today was the day we saw Dr. Peter Watson in Etobicoke, the first doctor in 19 months of this nightmare who says he knows what's wrong and has hope for his prognosis. Yay!!
What else. We moved in July. Love the house, not so fond of the upstairs neighbour.
My son Alex got engaged to his girlfriend Amanda. Yay!!
My car died in June. Boo. Public transportation. Boo.
Henry's doing well. Yay!!
I resolve to blog more often. I mean it this time!
D.

My Cat is Insane Part 412

2011-02-28T13:09:00.000-05:00

He runs like a speed demon through my house and dive bombs onto my bed...
Last night he was doing one of his cat fit runs and jumped up right into the middle of my dinner plate while I was eating it, leaving a trail of gravy and broccoli florets while he skidded down the hallway afterwards. Needless to say, that was the end of dinner.
D.

wow

2011-01-23T13:24:00.000-05:00

I was reading some of my older posts and this really is the most depressing blog!! Sadly, it's only what happens in my life, should I sugarcoat it?? ;)
Things went well with the heart procedure, they say meds will be enough to control it. So see, some good news for once!
Braden is doing much better behaviourally than he was a year ago, but is still having medical issues with his mouth and his stomach.
I'm having issues with my right eye again, the optometrist says there's fluid in my macula; so off the the retina specialist again. No worries, I'm used to the health stuff by now, so whatever!\
My little Henry is a joy to me. He's such a sweet, affectionate little guy. He'll never replace Chloe, of course, but I do love him dearly and it has helped my heartache over her loss a lot.
D.

Missing you

2011-01-19T00:40:00.000-05:00

A year ago today I lost my little Chloe. Words still can't express my grief. I still miss her with all my heart. RIP my sweet babyjane, life hasn't been the same without you. :( :(

Post-Xmas

2010-12-28T01:24:00.000-05:00

Christmas was good; enjoyed a quiet one with my boys. :) They went and stood in line at 1 am boxing day for me so I could get a new computer which I'm typing on and it's fantastic! They're good boys. :) Braden and I went and got a new wireless router today too and it's awesome. Braden's still having issues from his wisdom teeth removal surgery two freakin' months ago so hopefully the dentist can get him in AGAIN tomorrow. Seems neverending!
I'm going to make homemade turkey soup tomorrow.
Teaching make up lessons on Wednesday, then the heart procedure on Thursday.
Blog soon.
D.

Merry Xmas

2010-12-20T18:33:00.000-05:00

My god, I can't believe I haven't blogged since summer, and it's Xmas this weekend!! I really should blog more often.
So let's see...the health issues continue...wearing the permanent leg braces all the time now: had to have them modified but they're tolerable now. Had another spinal injection procedure on Friday. And found out last week that I may have a blocked coronary artery and I'm scheduled to have an angiogram and possible angioplasty next Thurs, Dec. 30th. The good times just never stop here!! Hopefully all will be well.
Really missing Chloe, my first Xmas without her in 17 years. Henry does help fill the void and he is so lovable and sweet, but I don't think I'll ever stop missing my little Chloe.
Wow, I'm just full of Christmas cheer here, eh! lol
I am baking cookies at the moment, so I'm trying! :):)
Happy holidays to all!
D.

Summer Update

2010-08-15T23:48:00.000-04:00

Well, let's see....this summer hasn't been my favourite since I broke my ankle (AGAIN 20th time can you believe it!) on June 26th. I was in a wheelchair for 7 weeks and on house arrest accordingly. blah. On the plus side, I read a LOT of books this summer!! Like, I am keeping the public library in business LOT of books!
Had my follow-up fracture clinic appt last week and my ankles are not going to heal...:( I'm being fitted for permanent braces on both legs next week, will have to keep wearing the cast until I get them in a few weeks. I have to see a specialist the orthopedic surgeon is sending me to to try and find a permanent solution for me because this fracturing business is getting sooooo old. They may be able to do an ankle replacement, not sure with the Osteogenesis Imperfecta. Here's hoping!

Tomorrow is my oldest son's 21st birthday, I feel so old!!! yikes. Time flies. He's going back to college in October for video game creation, and since he has lived in Nintendoland for most of those 21 years, I think this is a good choice!

Youngest son is helping my ex husband roof as a part time job again this summer. Keeps him out of trouble, which in turn makes mama happy!

D.

and things plod on

2010-06-10T22:52:00.002-04:00

That doesn't sound very exciting for a blog entry, but things are actually okay at the moment. Do you believe it!!?
Braden's moving in with his father, so that's helpful to the stress level and the level of things being stolen from our house. I've told Alex he needs to have a job by the end of June or he'll be facing eviction as well.
This is lightening my load, I have to say.
I feel very happy this week.
A visit I had on the weekend (DD)didn't hurt either. hee!!
Things are good.
:)
D.

Busy Debbie

2010-06-03T23:39:00.001-04:00

I've been very busy with my students having RCM theory and practical exams, and we just had our annual concert a couple weeks ago. On top of that I had a really bad flu which lasted nearly a month. I'm still not 100%. While recuperating I had an idea for a children's story. I wrote it, then after it was done I was at Chapters and discovered a book with much the same premise as mine, so back to the drawing board. Kind of bummed me out, I was really excited and thought it was a really unique concept. Oh well.
Still having problems with my youngest son. He is going to be going to stay with his father for a bit, I think. Tough love is needed, I can't see him being successful in life the way he's going at all and I want him to be happy and have an honest, successful life, not end up in prison or worse.
I persevere...
D.

Dear Chloe:

2010-05-19T10:08:00.000-04:00

It's been four months now since you left me, and not a day goes by that I don't miss you and think about you and wish you were still here. I still cry from the emptiness you left behind inside me. You made my life a better place to be, and I pray that people are right and that I will see you again one day.
Missing you so very much, my sweet baby jane,
xoxo
Mommy

Happy birthday to me

2010-03-21T00:11:00.001-04:00

Today (yesterday now, I guess technically since it's now 12:08 am March 21st) was my birthday. It was really nice and I enjoyed it very much. Went out for dinner with my kids, Cory and her family, Mike, Chantel and one of her daughters. Had a really good time and got some nice loot too!
Mike wished me a happy birthday on his radio show earlier today and played a song for me. :) that was also nice.
DD (boytoy) sent birthday wishes and squeezes by email; hopefully will have them in person this week. ;)
Much better than last year's birthday. :)
D.

Grumbles and crumbles

2010-03-07T15:50:00.000-05:00

I sometimes wonder how I manage to stay (relatively) sane.
Between health issues, pet illnesses and deaths, (lazy, some druggie, some adult, all lazy) unemployed children who refuse to do the simplest chores to pick up after themselves, money worries, work, work, work, I sometimes just want to scream and throw myself into the nearest body of water.
Henry (new fur friend) got really sick last weekend after being neutered. (pneumonia) He's better now, thankfully, and he's really sweet. But over $700 in vet bills in the month I've had him is not helping financial matters in the least.
I could cheerfully strangle Alex, my oldest son, who moved back in since he is not working and doesn't seem like he will be working any time in the near future. I am at the end of my rope with him and his infernal laziness.
The youngest son isn't much better. He constantly cuts classes and has attitude. Hasn't been arrested lately or caught with drugs, so I guess I should be grateful??
So here I sit. Still (somewhat) sane and not (yet) engulfed in Hamilton Harbour...
D.

Matthew Good :)

2010-02-22T10:36:00.000-05:00

Henry

2010-02-21T23:54:00.002-05:00

It's been nearly five weeks and I'm still heartbroken over the loss of my Chloe. I think of her every single day.
The pain is lessened some by Henry, our new fur baby. He's nine months old; a red and white tabby persian cat. He's very sweet, and I got him for nothing even though he has two pedigrees because the breeder has cancer and just wanted a good home for him. I was very lucky to get him indeed. He has some health issues; his face/nose is much flatter than Chloe's was (she was also a persian) and he has a lot of trouble breathing. He had an upper respiratory infection when I first got him. I took him to the vet and he was on antibiotics and anti-inflammatories for two weeks. He doesn't seem much better though, poor guy. I hope it improves soon for him, sad to see a kitten so little having such breathing troubles. :(
Nothing else has happened really since Chloe's death. Still just going through the motions really.
D.

going through the motions...

2010-01-30T02:09:00.000-05:00

I've never been so sad in my entire life as since Chloe passed away. It was the worst thing and this is the only time I will talk about it. She suffered terribly her last two days on earth. She couldn't walk and could barely stand, and when she did she would fall over and just lay there. It totally broke my heart, and I got the vet to come as soon as I could to end her misery. I was hoping it would be a peaceful passing, but it was not. It took two sedative injections and two lethal injections, the second directly into her heart to end it. I was absolutely hysterical with grief. I still can't type about it without tears in my eyes. My poor darling girl. We laid her to rest at Cory's in her garden and I was beyond losing my shit...I couldn't work for two days and even on the third day I was so griefstricken I don't know how I even got through that night of teaching. I was choking back tears the entire time. I went through so much, blaming myself at times (thinking I should have either gotten her to the vet earlier or done something, I don't even know what...I was incoherent in my sadness) I don't think I'll ever fully get over her death. Anyone that says losing a pet isn't the same as a family member/human being has never truly loved a pet. I miss her so much every day. :( :( She was like one of my children, I had her for nearly 17 years and she was my best friend. She was always there for me, through my divorce, my illnesses, raising my children by myself...I miss her so much.
Yesterday we got a new fur friend. I feel guilty about it. I hope wherever Chloe is, she doesn't think I've replaced her because she can never be replaced in my heart; she's there forever. I'll tell you about the new friend later...he was a real gift, but I can't talk about him yet in respect for my sweet Chloe..rest in peace, my sweet baby jane, I can't wait to see you again one day; I miss you every single day.
:(
D.

R.I.P. Chloe (1993-2010)

2010-01-18T20:38:00.002-05:00

My incredible sadness and heartache are overwhelming. :( :(
D.

quick blog post

2010-01-18T02:11:00.002-05:00

I can't say much here, because I've been crying for nearly 24 straight hours. Chloe is in terrible shape and I've never felt so sorry for any living thing. She's breaking my heart and I wish I could end her suffering right now.
I'm going to get the vet to euthanize her tomorrow so I'll be in no shape for blogging for a while.
D.

:(

2010-01-08T00:02:00.002-05:00

I'm very sad.
There just doesn't seem to be much to look forward to any more.
Soon I'll have no Braden, no Chloe...I'll just have nothing, really.
D.

New year, nothing else new really...

2010-01-07T09:07:00.001-05:00

The holidays came and went. Braden is still stealing, and has an appointment today to see about finding somewhere else to live. So not much has changed, basically. I hope he finds somewhere though. *sigh* I feel like such a failure as a parent where he's concerned. I sincerely hope he can turn his own life around, because I certainly haven't been able to.
The cat is still hanging on. She has her good and bad days. She's obviously fading, but still seems to find some enjoyment out of life and my company so I'm leaving it as is for now. Makes me sad, I'll miss the little furball so much. I've had her as long as I've had Braden, and she's given me MUCH less hassle!
Back to work this week; going well.
D.

well happy fucking holidays

2009-12-25T01:22:00.001-05:00

I had Alex and Amanda over tonight for Xmas eve and drove them home after....not realizing I was leaving Braden alone with an unopened bag with a prescription for my sleeping pills in it in my bedroom I picked up earlier ( I thought it just had my inhaler in it; I didn't realize they'd filled the sleeping pills too; the bag was sealed) until just now...when I realized the bag was open and I hadn't opened it. Took out the bottle and counted...sure enough...two are missing. yes, you may say, only two, but to me...that's two days without sleep, and it's the principle of the thing. I just woke him up and he of course denied it as usual. *sigh*
D.

I can't even think of a title...

2009-12-20T02:55:00.001-05:00

So Thursday was the Matt Good concert I looked forward to for the last 3 months.
Unfortunately an hour before I was supposed to leave for the concert I went to a meeting with Braden and his drug counsellor. Braden refused to go to rehab, and told me to "shove my rehab up my ass" among other lovely things he said about me/to me/to the counsellor at the meeting. The counsellor also seemed to blame me for things. I felt I was totally being ganged up on, burst into tears and left. I cried for an hour, didn't think I'd even go to the concert, then felt guilty because I spent 70 bucks on the ticket so I went. Then wished I hadn't. Matt Good. My absolute favourite. I couldn't enjoy it, and was actually in tears several times during the concert. I went alone, which didn't help, when I saw everyone else there NOT alone.
I feel so overwhelmed.
Then on Friday, I woke up to no heat AGAIN (the seven year continuing bullshit of the furnace that does NOT work) Called the landlords, they bitched about me having to pay for a service call...I said it is 58 degrees Fahrenheit in here. The thermostat is set to 72. That tells ME there is something wrong with the furnace.
Nine hours later I was still waiting for the furnace technician to come. And I had to go to work...and Braden had of course not shown up after school... the technician called and said he'd be another hour so I had to call my work and tell my boss I had to cancel the first couple students. He was furious and berating me because our Xmas concert was the next day...I had no choice, the tech. had told me if nobody was here he wouldn't come back until Monday and it was now 50F in here...and I was waiting for him with my coat and boots on it was so cold.
Right after I called my boss Braden came home so I got ready to leave...to find out the workmen outside had parked their flatbed truck behind my car, blocking me in. I asked them to move it several times and they were ignoring me. By now I was in tears and hopelessly late for work. Braden went out and yelled "HEY. MOVE YOUR FUCKING TRUCK NOW!" and since he is twice their size they immediately moved it.
So I got to work finally, only to find out one of the students I cancelled had quit because of short notice and my boss had lost a years' tuition ($700 or so) :( So now I'm in the bad books and I'm worried I might not have a job on top of everything else. I called the student's parents to apologize, but the father was angry and is apparently a bit of a hothead so it's probably to no avail. :(
Luckily the Xmas concert went well today. I hope that helps my case that all my students did well in it.
D.

ups and downs

2009-12-13T00:51:00.000-05:00

So lets see...got my car back, spent 400 bucks on snow tires, snapped the key off in the ignition and had to pay another 200 for a new ignition, got in a car accident on Thurs (old lady was in front of me going into the hospital parking lot and couldn't drive, reversed into my car), totally effed my back up...not even a week after spinal surgery. grrr...at least the car's okay, thank goodness! I haven't even had it back a week yet!
Braden stole my painkillers and sold them...I'm sooo fed up with him. Going to see his drug counsellor in person on Monday. And this was the thirty seconds I took them out of my bra and hid them in my pillowcase because my back was too sore to wear my bra and I went to pee for thirty seconds I swear to god and he stole them. WTF.
In good news, I won the contest to go see Matt Good record a dvd recorded performance tomorrow in Toronto! yay!! only 100 people will be in the audience and one will be me! Hope my back will be ok, it's really sore tonight. I'm taking the brat with me so I can keep an eye on him. *sigh*
I think I'm going to see Jewelle tomorrow and finally meet her new baby before the concert too. :) Hope the weather will be good!
Looking forward to tomorrow, there's so little to look forward to these days..
D.

Writing from my fog of pain....

2009-12-06T22:09:00.000-05:00

Well I still have all the Braden stuff etc. going on but quite frankly, my health is so bad right now it's foremost in the chain of events.
I had dental surgery on Thurs...a gum graft. I have a lot of dental problems linked to my bone disease. (the OI)
Then on Friday I had my quarter-monthly day surgery of the injection into my spinal cord that helps my pain recede temporarily for a month or three.
Well, that dental surgery was a LOT worse than I was led to believe...it's been hellish pain and I wasn't sure I'd even be able to have the spinal surgery I was in such bad shape Friday morning before it (threw up on my way to the hospital even) but I survived. The spinal thing was nothing this time in comparison to the pain my mouth/face has been in the last four days. I went back to the dentist yesterday and it turns out I have a post op infection in my mouth, I'm on heavy duty antibiotics and pain killers which are barely touching it. I had a fever of 103 last night...it was down a bit during the day today but up a bit again tonight and the pain is horrific, eating nearly impossible. I've lived primarily on juice the last few days.
Keep you posted, off for (hopefully) some sleep tonight.
D.

White flag waving in the wind...

2009-11-29T08:16:00.002-05:00

It's been simply a horrible week. Braden has done many rotten, some illegal things, and I am done. I've come to the conclusion there is no solution except for him to move out. I've done everything humanly possible to try and turn him from the path he seems determined to follow, and I think the only recourse now is to exercise tough love and let him learn how hard it is to fend for himself in the real world. It breaks my heart, but he just is not figuring it out. I can't have him stealing from me and lying to me all the time and just keep enabling him to do that.
*sigh*
I feel so alone. Once the cat is gone, (she is a feisty girl and appears to have rallied some...I think she will still not be with me much longer, but I've put off the inevitable for the time being, as she seems comfortable) I will truly be alone. Not the greatest time of year to feel that way, although it's never a good time really. I just have this feeling of utter hopelessness; like there really is nothing at all to look forward to or be happy about any more.
D.

heaven :)

2009-11-21T11:00:00.002-05:00

:) :) :)

D.

...and beyond...

2009-11-21T01:02:00.000-05:00

god, what a week.
Things just keep getting worse and worse with Braden. Greg didn't show up either on Sunday, or yesteday like he promised. He's no help at all.
On top of everything, my poor baby kitty, who I've had nearly 17 years, the same length of time I've had Braden, is dying. It's heartbreaking....she can barely walk now or even stand; her hind legs seem to not work and it's making me cry constantly. I have to wait until Monday for the vet to come....I think she'll have to be put to sleep. :( :( I love this cat; I'm heartbroken. I know she's had a long life, but I will miss her so much. My poor little girl.
I had gotten 200 bucks for the vet and had it on my dresser. Braden knew what it was for, and this morning I counted it again before I put it in my wallet and 20 bucks was missing....then Braden's guidance counsellor called to say he wasn't in school today. Hmmmm shall we put this together and get "Braden skipped school cuz he stole money and was likely doing drugs?" Talk about lowest of the low stealing from the vet fund of his dying pet cat though. *sigh*
I just don't know what to do any more. Greg is supposed to actually come here this morning...he damn well better this time1
D.

Beside myself

2009-11-13T11:03:00.001-05:00

Things just keep going further and further to hell.
Braden has stolen money from me already this week, and last night I went to take my mild sleeping pill (the one that gives me even that five or so hours of sleep I have so much trouble getting) and found out he'd stolen two weeks' worth of them from me. Bad enough he was stealing the painkillers that I now have to keep at Cory's house in her safe (don't even go there about the lengths I have taken to hide this shit from him; he's broken into my safe and found every single hiding place until I had to physically remove them from the premises) and if I'm in pain I have to wait until she can bring me some...but now I won't be sleeping for the rest of this month because I can't get more...I get a set amount that is one a day per month and now they're gone. And he of course lies and says he didn't take them "doesn't know what they're even for" Yeah, right. That was his story with the percacets for the last year and he finally admitted he took them. I know exactly how many sleeping pills were in that container and when it was filled. I'm not stupid. On top of it, he screamed at me for an hour last night calling me a 'fucking bitch' and a 'fucking cunt' many times interspersed with the f word every other word because I didn't believe him. I guess he's probably selling them to get his pot. Who knows. I hope he's not taking them. :(
I called his father to come get him tonight, but I doubt he will. He rarely returns my calls. I called Braden's school this morning and oh! what a surprise...he is failing 2 of his 4 classes and rarely attends school, though I see him off every day and he comes home when it's supposedly finished. The news just keeps getting better.
I can't cope with the stealing, lying, verbal abuse, not being able to have my medication I need in the house, or money , coming home after work to a mess that I left clean before work every day, on top of the health crap, the landlord crap...I am at the end of my rope. I'm so worried about him, and nothing I have done has changed the situation. I have seriously explored every avenue except kicking him out permanently, which seems the only thing left to do. :( It breaks my heart. I have tried getting him counselling, (he won't go), social workers, tried making contracts with him, tried getting his dad to help, the school to help, doing extracurricular stuff with him, spending more time with him, talking to him, outside agencies...wtf else can I do!!
D.

Maybe I should rethink those antidepressents...?

2009-11-10T12:48:00.001-05:00

Just not dealing well with everything right now. I'm so frustrated and sad.
My parents haven't even bothered to call me since the eye surgery (that was 5 days ago) to see how I made out. Not a surprise really. My oldest son also didn't bother... at least until he wanted to watch my cable last night and eat my food. Then he fought with me over helping move furniture so the fridge could be delivered today and left me to do it by myself. Braden steals from me and I keep finding rolling papers so he's obviously still doing drugs. I can barely get in and out of my house due to construction and deal with nothing but flack from the landlords. My broken leg won't heal, I can barely see, and I'm severely depressed. I so want to talk to someone about all this but I'm sure everyone's sick of my whining by now.
Got to go get ready for work.
D.

Tired

2009-11-09T23:21:00.000-05:00

I'm tired. Tired of fighting the landlords. Tired of all my health bullshit. Tired of dealing with a teenager with drug and stealing issues. Tired of the selfishness of my older son. Tired of my "family". So tired of dealing with everything alone.
Just tired.
:(
D.

whatever works I say

2009-11-09T12:46:00.003-05:00

make a wish: http://www.real-wishes.com

make a wish

"The clamps! You want I shoud use the clamps or clamp-like device, boss?" Futurama

2009-11-06T03:26:00.001-05:00

It's been a weird week...
I've had major issues with the landlords and don't know how these people even live with themselves, seriously. I can't even get into it right now on here; it absolutely flabbergasts me in its completely asinine stupidity.

Poor Mike has been sick as a dog all week. He seems to have this H1N1 crap and I've felt so bad for him. He never gets sick (other than when he had cancer a few years back; DARK times)so it worries me when it happens. (after the cancer thing)

I had laser surgery on my right eye today for the hole in my retina. The procedure itself wasn't too bad, except for the "clamp" thing they use to hold your eyeball in place to laser it. Braden and I have now forever dubbed it the "eye clamp". Then you have to hold perfectly still for a series of blinding lights that are the laser and you feel half blind for several minutes after from the brightness of it, and your eye waters like crazy after being released from the clamp. Afterwards it did sting and it's still aching like a bitch. It's like a migraine mostly embedded in my eye. Vision's still a bit blurry, if I'm making typos in this entry, that's my excuse! The surgeon told me I will most likely have a permanent black dot in my vision in that eye, since the hole was right in my central line of vision. I'll take a black dot and partial vision loss over total blindness any day though! :)

I went to the fracture clinic yesterday and was told I'll be wearing this cast for at least another month until I see the ortho again Dec 2nd. Meh.

My eye is still aching so I will cut this entry short now.
D.

Is it the moon or am i sadly in need of anti-depressants?

2009-11-03T05:37:00.000-05:00

It's a full moon and my friend Jewelle has been telling me that's the reason I've felt like my soul is dying for the last few days. I'm prone to fits of depression occasionally and I refuse to take anti-depressants because I already take enough prescription medicine. The last few days have not been pretty though. I've been trying to snap myself out of it to no avail. I just have never felt so alone and hopeless before.
I went to a couple of appointments at the hospital today; diabetic specialist and an MRI tonight. Mike took me to run errands.
I actually heard from Alex tonight; didn't think I ever would again, but he was friendly and stuff so I guess that's okay.
Hope I can break out of this funk soon.
D.

bringing the sexy

2009-10-31T08:26:00.001-04:00

Went to the family doctor on Wednessday about the ankle from hell. She agreed she thought it was still broken and sent me for more x-rays. The results came in on Thursday:
"Persistent fracture. No signs of healing."
Which I pretty much knew already. Why the cast was taken off two weeks ago is beyond me.
So they called the fracture clinic and were told I would have to wait to see the original ortho surgeon...who is on holidays until Nov. 12th!!! Can you believe how fucking stupid that is!?? I obviously told them there's no way I'm walking around uncasted on a broken ankle for another two weeks. So yesterday they sent me to the ER, and I now am sporting the sexiest look of all which I'm hopefully linking to a pic on here if I can figure it out. WTH happened to being able to post pics on here...!It's quite the contraption, hopefully it helps this damn ankle heal soon; I really want to drive again some day!

update: linking did not work, you'll have to copy and paste the link here in your browser to see the damn thing, sorry :

http://mypictures.bell.ca/view/uploads/details.do?lsdb=7&elementID=7843920257&subretailerid=BELLM&containerID=2150341121&page=1&retailerid=BELLM

finding my way through the labrynth...

2009-10-31T08:17:00.001-04:00

Well.
Thursday did NOT go as expected.
A came over and was even hotter/ more gorgeous than I remembered. We talked, caught up etc...then other things....and those other things did not go well, let's just say. It's weird how you can have the best sex of your life with a person, then a couple years later the total opposite with the same person. How can that be? It was very nice to see him though, and I have to say that beyond the shadow of a doubt, I am over him finally. It's hard to explain: I just wasn't feeling it like before, like he's a completely different person than the one I loved. He's a nice person, and absolutely one of the most gorgeous men I've ever seen, but there's something missing. He's not the geek I fell for. Ah well, closure is a good thing! This/he has been hanging over my head for the last 8 years. I was really worried I wouldn't be over him if I saw him again in person, but I am. Yay!
D.

Is it getting hot in here?

2009-10-26T19:13:00.002-04:00

No, I think it's just me.
The risque emails I did receive today...hooboy!
I think there will be gratification this Thursday...with any luck. I didn't know it would go this fast with Alex.
All I know is I've never been so hot for anyone as I am for him.
D.

Sunday funnies

2009-10-25T20:42:00.001-04:00

Well, that's a misnomer, because there really wasn't much funny about today. It was a beautiful October afternoon. I was, of course, stuck indoors.
Yesterday I attempted to walk the two blocks to the store on crutches. TWO BLOCKS. It was a fucking nightmare. I had to take many, many breaks, and stupidly thought if I brought the grocery cart home I wouldn't have to carry my purchases. Not realizing that it was downhill most of the way home. Have you ever tried to hobble with a crutch under one arm, the other on a grocery cart trying desperately to rein it in while it quickly gains speed going downhill and being urged on by semi-high winds? While having to take constant breaks for the aching pain you're feeling in your ankle, and nearly being blown off kilter every 30 seconds by the wind/acceleration of said grocery cart? I was crying by the time I got home and won't be repeating that experience any time soon. I go to the doctor this Wednesday for this damn ankle and I hope to god they can do something about it! That's ridiculous; they've obviously taken the cast off too soon.
Received a couple of emails from A this weekend; apparently he has the flu or something.
I made homemade veggie soup today that was delicious. I feel like all I do is sit around on my ass which is gradually or not so gradually getting fatter from sitting on it constantly and filling my face.
I have a majorly busy week ahead of me. At least it will keep me from sitting around and eating from boredom!
D.

crankypants

2009-10-23T23:00:00.001-04:00

It's dismal, foggy, rainy and cold outside and in my heart currently. :P
It's been a weird week. Slightly depressing; boring.
Today I got another Alex email....changing his mind again. WTF. Men are worse than women with changing their minds, I swear.
D.

drunk dialling

2009-10-21T00:32:00.002-04:00

Drunk and....I came clean, and I don't think it's probably good.
That's all.for now.
D.

anticipation

2009-10-19T09:01:00.001-04:00

Well, I finally made a decision.
I'm going to see A tomorrow. Well, A is coming to see me, rather, after work. I'm actually really excited/trepidatious at the prospect; it's been so long and we always had such amazing chemistry. So nervous!
D.

crankypants

2009-10-14T22:53:00.001-04:00

I am cranky. My landlord is a fucking dick troll. That is all on that front. No other explanations needed.
A certain person is totally effing with my head. 16 emails before 2 pm. That is all. Sixteen. (I typed sexteen the first time...subliminally? i dunno....lol)I want to see him. But I don't.
Bah.
D.

What the eff!?

2009-10-13T23:52:00.001-04:00

How in hell could I lose an essential undergarment like a bra, I ask you!? I have torn this house apart and I swear to GOD I have NOT been stripping outside....recently. :P
D.

Blast from the Past

2009-10-13T13:30:00.002-04:00

Confusion is my middle name.
Because I heard from he who's name shall not be spoken last night. (hint: it was Alex.) And he wants to see me.
And I am very stupid because I'm considering it.
Argh.
D.

Disgusting

2009-10-11T20:43:00.001-04:00

I am disgusted by the fact that the U.S. military currently does not allow gay men and women to serve their country unless they lie about their sexual orientation. Obama certainly better repeal that ban ASAP, it's appalling.

I have never understood homophobia, or why homosexuals aren't allowed the same rights as heterosexuals. Maybe I'm just more liberated than most, but I just don't get it. Racism, sexism, any prejudice = no excuse for it. Prejudice of any kind should not be tolerated, but still appears to be alive and well. *sigh*

D.

Peace/pieces

2009-10-11T00:27:00.001-04:00

First order of business: I cannot for the life of me fathom why in the HELL Obama was given a Nobel Peace Prize...he was in office all of what...two weeks?...when he was nominated for it, and is, in fact, still at war with more than one nation...so how exactly does this embody peace??? Obviously TPTB are just trying to drive home to us how much more awesome Obama is compared to George Doubleya. And really a TicTac running the country would be better than Bush, but we don't award them Nobel Peace Prizes. I'm not saying that somewhere down the road he won't actually deserve this for something he may do in the future, but I think there were a lot more deserving individuals this time around that did actual deeds that promoted peace.

Second: oooooh, do NOT get me started on Stephen Harper and the total hypocrisy of his "surprise" performance at an arts gala last weekend. It was obviously totally orchestrated (pardon the pun) to generate more popularity for him...to show his "human side" (barf) and to counteract his total LACK of support for the arts in the past. He is still not supporting them; but this is an attempt to make it look as though he does. I am also offended that one author of an article I read about it said he "wasn't as bad as Ringo" doing the Beatles tune he sang. Please. Ringo rocks!!

D.

There's a hole in my retina, dear Liza, dear Liza...

2009-10-08T21:30:00.000-04:00

So it turns out the reason I can't see out of my right eye (they're both kinda shit but the right one's definitely the worst) is because there's a hole in my retina and it's leaking blood. So I will be having eye surgery in 3 weeks. I've had problems for about a year now with retinal hemhorraging with the diabetes, but worse the last couple months. The retina specialist said I won't get my sight that's left the building back, but they'll prevent further vision loss so that's good. Always something, eh.
Pain's been returning in my spine, so kind of a not good week here, lack of sleep and all that. But on the plus side, I think I get my cast off my leg next week to trade in for an air cast, so that should help, plus I freakin' HATE casts so yay for it leaving! I've been cranky for the last 3 days. Listening to the new Matt Good album right now though, that's helping!! :) :) Hilarious that Mike went and bought this for me (hilarious to me, anyway, knowing as I do that Mike HATES Matt with a passion; his music and generally as a human being - he toured with him years ago and can't stand him)
:D
Been hanging with Mike quite a bit; good thing we're enjoying it as I won't be able to drive probably for about another month with the broken leg still and the eye stuff. I'm sure he's glad too as he was jokingly threatening to take me for a walk in the woods on uneven ground the other day hahaha (to break the other leg; he likes having the car lol)
:)
D.

le sigh

2009-10-01T16:36:00.000-04:00

I can go from so happy to so miserable in such an inordinately short span of time I think I might actually lose my mind.
I'm so sad that some of my friends think I am really just a selfish, manipulative nasty person. I honestly have never seen myself as deliberately manipulating anyone ever, and if I have complained or vented to friends, it's because they were friends, I thought that's what friends do, and I would certainly reciprocate, and have, for anyone wanting to talk to me. I never meant to be demanding or anything else. It saddens me to be seen this way. I hate myself. Can you really be so selfish if you hate yourself? Maybe that in itself is selfish, I don't even know anymore. I certainly don't like myself at all. And feel I can't be myself, because myself is an asshole it seems.
:( I'm going to have to try to turn myself into something that people can actually like. I thought I was a good person, but now I don't think so anymore.
D.

so sweet

2009-09-16T12:53:00.000-04:00

You may have to copy and paste this link into your browser to get it to work, I'm having problems with the linking button, but this is the nicest video anyone could ever have sent me to cheer me up while I was down. :) :) Keep in mind that I am the world's hugest Barry Manilow fan ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul-djevrA30&feature=related

( I think it's more the thought of this person searching for that online for me that amuses me more than anything! lol)
D.

Jinxy

2009-09-15T16:06:00.000-04:00

So I totally jinxed myself last week when I talked about how good I was feeling on here. On the weekend I was walking along at the mall normally and snap! Broken ankle and foot. I had a good run, it's been two years since my last fracture, but it's small consolation really. I was really worried I was going to lose my job over it...I have to drive to Stoney Creek and Ancaster to teach...but tadah! Mike is my hero: I put him on my insurance yesterday, and he picked up my car today: he's going to drive me to and from my various music studios and then go to and from his, which is very out of the way, in Dundas. I think he's the best person in the world.
I go to the fracture clinic this Thursday for my cast; it's splinted at the moment. And I'm in a wheelchair again indefinitely.
I'm really noticing how NOT wheelchair accessible my supposedly wheelchair accessible unit I live in is. I can't reach the cupboards at all, barely reach the sinks, the stove burners are slanted and dump hot pots in my lap, and I can't get back in the house when I go out..although there is a wheelchair ramp, there is a two inch ledge in the doorway which makes it impossible for me to get back in once I'm out...I was trapped out there this morning until Mike came back from the library for me. (yes, he does errands too! Do his merits never end?? Don't even get me goin'!:D)
This is my 19th ankle fracture and I think in overall fractures I'm in the 50's now. It really burns my ass that this probably could have been avoided if the government would have agreed to my request back in January to have the treatment of Aclasta, which is supposed to significantly reduce fractures in people with Osteogenesis Imperfecta (OI). It's $750 dollars for one treatment for 15 minutes through an IV once a year. I can't afford it, being a single mom primarily on disability. *sigh*
So here we go again.
I had a mild pity party this morning when I was having a really hard time cleaning up...read: impossible. I had a little cry and feel ashamed now because I know how much worse off many people are and I have no right to feel sorry for myself really.
In other better news, Matt Good is touring again this fall for his new CD and will be in Hamilton in December. No groupie-ing for me this time with the bum leg/wheelchair unfortunately, but I will see him in Hamilton at least even if I have to crawl there. :)
Multiple fracturally,
D.

Deb the Fool

2009-09-08T07:28:00.000-04:00

I had such a great day yesterday. Well, until I had to go for a really boring meeting at work with rules and regulations drilled into my head for two and a half straight hours! ha

Before that, I took the painting down to Mike's, he made tea, then we went down to the bayfront and walked and talked and sat on the patio down there for a couple hours. It was really nice. Wish I hadn't had to leave so soon to go to work. He really liked the painting and said it cheered him up some. His wedding was supposed to have been on Saturday, so it's been really rough on him, poor guy. I wish he wasn't so upset/heartbroken and I kinda wish I didn't care that he is so much.

My friend April thinks I should do my associate degree in music pedagogy...I'm thinking about it, but man, sooooo much work involved in that. She thinks I'll have that many more private students if I have the "letters" after my name. We shall see.

I went off my pain patch a week ago and I'm doing REALLY well so far. I feel better than I've felt in a very long time (*knock wood*) and I hope it lasts. Forever, ideally! :)

Back to school/work for Braden and I today. Think I'll remember all those rules?? hahahaha

D.

That ever so elusive bluebird of happiness

2009-09-06T22:04:00.000-04:00

So my computer's been broken, but I'm blogging now, so there.
Been doing pretty much the same old...teaching here and there (it's slow in the summer) and summer kind of stuff, as far as you can when in chronic pain, anyway.
I had the temp. spinal surgery again two weeks ago so I'm doing pretty well at the moment, I even went off my pain patch a few days ago just to prove to myself I'm not dependent on that shit. It's been rough, but I'm going to try and stay off it until the pain gets too much to stand again. :)
Braden's been working for his dad (my ex husband) the last couple weeks and did really well, apparently. It was really hard physical labour, industrial roofing. Alex tried it too, but well....it's Alex we're talking about here, and apparently he was taking 75 minute shits 3 times a day so was "let go" after 4 days. Laziest. Person. Ever. That's all I'm saying about it, and thank god he lives with Amanda now, and not here or I would have to strangle him.
Mike's been really depressed and withdrawn (his fiancee left him a few months ago out of the blue, and he's really worried about losing his house and is just really sad over it, poor guy.) We kinda had words the other day. (that is what we do) I feel bad for him though and tonight I was figuring out what I could do to cheer him up (and NO, not THAT O_o) so I decided to paint him "the bluebird of happiness." Yeah, I'm a sap. Shut up. It actually turned out pretty well, hopefully I'll give it to him tomorrow. He's always liked my paintings and strangely, I've never done one for him before, even though he's my oldest and best friend.
Back to school for Braden in two days, and back to work for moi.
:)
Talk soon
D.

apartments for the fracturally challenged?

2009-08-05T21:06:00.000-04:00

Well here we are in August already. It's finally some semblance of summer here; June and July were more like autumn really. Not that I'm complaining, autumn's my fave! But still no apartment in sight. I still hate my neighbours and the house is still falling down around me. I refuse to give up; there has to be an apartment for me out there somewhere! I hope I find it before the snow flies. *sigh*

Last week's visit with Seany went well. Mike and I fought the entire time to and from and during the visit, but that's what we do. Sean seemed very tired and weak. I hope the cardiologist can do something for him when he sees him again next week.

I've been sick with stomach flu and swollen leg/ankles. The doctor thinks it may be my kidneys (diabetes related) and ordered some blood tests but I feel better today and Braden's sick to his stomach now too so I'm sure it's all okay.

On top of my mother being sick with cancer, my father called today and apparently has to have a triple heart bypass surgery asap. Boy, my family is really lucky healthwise. The doctor said he's lucky he is alive; three of his arteries are 80% blocked. yikes. He's not allowed to do anything until his surgery basically, and they're making arrangements for mom to stay at the hospital free of charge too so they can care for her while he's in there. That's something at least, I guess.

And we march on, under the little black cloud, which seems to be expanding...

Always that little ray of sunshine you can count on,
D.

and the black cloud thrives....

2009-07-18T01:32:00.000-04:00

I went to the new neuro surgeon at the beginning of this week and he basically reiterated what the last surgeon said...that being that my cervical spine is inoperable and that I should seek mental help/ antidepressants. I would not be "depressed" if I weren't in agony 24/7 but they don't seem to comprehend this.
I was pretty inconsolable for a few days, but a friend of mine suggested I go see his therapist, which I did yesterday. He was like a fat, jolly, Chinese version of Santa but with all the swear words intact. :) I rather enjoyed our hour together in spite of having to bare my soul to him but I hope he can help me. And without more damn drugs. Hell, I could open up my own private pharmacy at this point, more drugs is the last thing I need.
My dear friend Seany is very ill. It's his heart, and I hope to go and see him again in a couple weeks. Mike has promised to take me to see him, (My eyes are horrible from diabetes these days and I feel scared , as should the drivers around me! when I'm on the highway and can't see properly) which is big of him really, seeing as the last time Mike saw Sean he disrupted his birthday party (he was wasted) and was fighting with many of the partygoers and flinging gay slurs at them (99% of the attendees were gay). Mike has been ashamed of this for years and has apologized profusely for his actions that day. Sean is the most forgiving, accepting person in the world, and has often told me that since I adore Mike, Mike is always welcome at his house. Luckily! They are my two very best friends in the world and I am glad they can get along in spite of what occurred in the past. They've both been very sick in the last while. Mike had cancer a couple years ago and thankfully recovered from it; I was a mess...that hit me so hard. I truly love him so much; it was awful. I hope Seany recovers from this; he's much too young to have health issues of this nature; he's only 34. :( I don't know what I'd do without him and I refuse to find out.
Everything seems so surreal lately. It's like everyone's getting sick and everything's going wrong...please let it all improve soon!
I kicked Alex (my oldest son) out of my house today. It wasn't hostile, I just told him that I feel I'm enabling him to continue being lazy and not find work or school by letting him stay here. He agreed with me. It was very amicable and I hope it gives him the kick in the pants I feel is needed. He's staying with his girlfriend's parents and hopefully he will feel guilty enough sponging off them instead of me to more actively seek employment.
Whew. I'm running off at the mouth (fingers?)here and must find my bed now.
D.

blabbity blah

2009-07-04T19:41:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged in six months...a lot has happened. I've been having horrible issues with my youngest son, who fell in with a bad crowd this year at school and has been arrested three times since my last blog entry. I am at my wits' end with him, we've tried counselling, all sorts of punishments...he doesn't seem to care. His most recent arrest was last week and we're waiting to see if the police are going to charge him this time and give him a criminal record...*sigh*. My oldest son flunked out of college first semester and has since gotten and lost a job and is currently unemployed and not in school. I feel like a complete failure as a parent. *sigh*

My pain has escalated...I had the temp. surgery "fix" five weeks ago and the pain is already back full force. I see another neuro surgeon on the 13th and hope and pray this one will operate and find a permanent solution to this hell.

My sister's husband called my son last week and told him my mother is very ill. I think she's dying. I went to visit her last weekend and she's not well at all...she has lymphoma and it's spread to her bone marrow and she was in terrible spirits while we were there. :( I know we've had our differences, but I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and I'm trying to mend our fences.

Things just seem like a nightmare lately.
Speaking of dreams...I had one about Alex (my ex-love, not my son) yesterday and even though I haven't thought about him in so long it's totally fucked me up the last couple days...grrr. Will I ever get over that???? :( :(
D.

the little black cloud that follows me around

2009-01-09T00:34:00.000-05:00

Holy crap, I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted on here!! *slaps self* I seriously need to update this thing a TINY bit more often. *blush*

So let's see....where to begin. My oldest son is doing okay in college, he's been home for the holidays for the last month and goes back this weekend. My youngest son has been bowing some to peer pressure and I've been pissed off and worried, but I hope he's seen the light at the end of the popularity tunnel. Holidays were okay, because I had the temporary spinal surgery again Nov. 28th. The two months leading up to that surgery I won't even get into details on...let's just say the first surgery's pain relief lasted 5 weeks, so the interim was soooooo painful I was seriously contemplating harming myself.

I finally saw the neuro surgeon that I've been waiting 7 months to see this week. It did NOT go well. He was a total DICK to me, and basically said he won't operate and insinuated I'm a crybaby that needs psychological help. Uh huh. So I was feeling somewhat suicidal again after that appointment and I'm still trying to figure out how the HELL I am going to cope with this pain. It's been 5 weeks now since the last surgery, and the pain started coming back pretty badly last week. Nuff said for now.

Oh!! Here's something funny, in a "my luck is the worst luck on the face of the earth" kind of way.... Last week I was standing at my bathroom sink brushing my teeth and I heard a thump behind me. I turned just in time for the laundry room door to fall off its hinges and slam into my face. Broken nose and a black eye later....! How fucking RANDOM was that, I ask you!!?? That black cloud needs to take the express bus to Greenland, seriously.

I finally bade a farewell (for my own closure) to the love of my life. After leaving me hanging for so long and saying he needed to find himself, he apparently found someone else also in the process. I'd already come to terms with the fact he is not capable of committing to me, so it wasn't a huge surprise, to be honest. I don't think I'll ever love that way again though. I know people say that, but I gave him my soul.

Now I just need to find my soul again. This year I need to do things for myself. Which may be difficult given the fact I live in constant agony, but I'm going to try.
Wow, what a downer this post has been, huh!?

Ending on a positive note: I have a friend who is a sex god and that, my friends, has never been better. He makes me forget the pain for a while...in fact, he makes me forget that I don't speak french and watch the french channel for an hour before I realize it's not english. Ha!!

D.

my son the card

2008-09-15T21:53:00.000-04:00

Braden: "This is our cat's thought trend...Mom pets me, I purr, I follow her around, I get fed, get water, get lots of treats, I have diarrhea, then the tall one cleans it."

(after he finished cleaning diarrhea out of the litter box, natch.)
D.

nad busting

2008-08-28T14:51:00.000-04:00

Ever have one of those days/weeks/lives where you just want to beat the living crap out of all other human beings/inanimate objects from utter frustration and rage?
Yeah.
That would be me today and possibly all days of late.
So was it the doctor who prescribed me the medication that nearly killed me a month ago asking how I was doing on that medication this morning that drove me over the edge? No. Was it him being an utter moron and asking me if I'd like to try some new medication after the last one nearly killed me and gave me a heart condition? No. Was it the fact I'm having problems with the government and totally stressed out over money and my son going to college? No. Was it trying to get my other son ready for high school? No. Was it administrative problems with the music studio today and them making me once again look like I am a complete fuckup to my students? No. Was it the worry of having spinal surgery tomorrow morning? No. Well, all this stuff combined may have helped, but the thing that was the final straw that made me completely lose it???
Harvey's didn't put ketchup in the bag with my fries.
Yeah.
I asked them twice in my defence!
:P
and argh.
D.

school daze

2008-08-10T11:19:00.000-04:00

The good news this week is that my son Alex was accepted into the college we had hoped for!YAY,and he's very excited!! Very last minute, however, so we are now scrambling to get everything in order for him to start school in the next three weeks. We have one week to basically pay for everything, and with me being on disability and him only working approximately 3 hours a week, not as easy task! I'm very stressed out and just hope everything will work out for him!
Painwise, things are getting worse all the time, and I'm looking forward to the surgery on my spine Aug 29th, which will also be the weekend Alex will have to move to Oakville! More stress. But hopefully it will all work out, and I'll get it all organized before my surgery date.
Okay, can't sit here long to type. It's agony, truth be told.
Talk soon,
D.

Sad

2008-07-15T23:41:00.000-04:00

I've been really sad the last couple days and today I had tears come on a few times. I'm just so saddened by some of the people I feel should know me and be there for me... and are not. It hurts my heart. I'm also sad because my kids are disappointed and I feel responsible for it, like I've failed them somehow as their provider/parent.
I just feel really old and helpless.
D.

Pain and stuff like that there

2008-07-12T15:04:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged much because when I'm on the computer I'm only on for a couple minutes, back and forth etc because the pain in my back/neck/shoulders/arms is so intense I can't stay in one position for longer than that.
I had another MRI last week and it showed I have cervical spinal stenosis, a herniated disc in my neck, osteophytes/bone spurs in my neck. I apparently will need spinal surgery. Nothing really fazes me anymore, I just hope that this is a conclusive diagnosis and will make this fucking pain stop. And why the HELL this wasn't diagnosed ten months ago and five MRI's ago is beyond me.
There is more I'd like to blog about, but it hurts too much.
One little thing:
Mice in my house are not thrilling me, the dead one beside my bed this morning really grossed me out and was a nice note to start the day on.
I really hope things look up soon.
D.

quiz i stole from Adele ;)

2008-06-16T06:28:00.000-04:00

Ten things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now. Don't list any names.
1. I wish you would hurry up and find yourself...and find me again in the process.
2. You are so selfish sometimes and it drives me insane.
3. You are the light of my life and I don't know what I'd do without you and your help most days.
4. I won't be speaking to you again.
5. Stop deleting my damn blogs before I'm done!!! :P
6. You are such a good friend to me.
7. You really should give your head a good shake!
8. I hope kharma gets you one day.
9. You really are too amusing!
10. If I hadn't known you forever I wonder if we would still be friends...

Nine things about yourself.
1. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, though possibly jaded...
2. I have osteogenesis imperfecta and type one diabetes among other assorted maladies.
3. I love art and most music.(country and rap being exceptions!)
4. I love to paint.
5. I'm a classically trained pianist and vocalist.
6. I'm a vegetarian (this is fairly new)
7. I hate pancakes and creamed corn.
8. I love to drive fast.
9. I secretly love celebrity gossip.

Eight ways to win your heart.
1. Appreciate Matt Good / Barry Manilow.
2. BE Matt Good / Barry Manilow (teehee)
3. Be honest
4. Be intelligent
5. Have a dry/sarcastic sense of humour
6. big noses!!!! :) (rawwwr)
7. Be democratically political
8. Be kind to animals and people

Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
1. Him.
2. Songs
3. Ideas for paintings
4. Pain and my dislike of it
5. My kids
5. Worrisome things....like did I lock the door, turn the stove off...etc.
6. Things I need to do/finish
7. Money worries

Six things you wish you never did.
1. Get married.
2. Screw up my credit :(
3. Get sick
4. Get my hair cut a couple years ago (thankfully it grows!)
5....
6....

Five turn-offs.
1. Stupidity
2. Ignorance
3. Conceit
4. Smokers
5. Bad odours

Four turn-ons.
1. Big noses
2. Slightly younger men *blush*
3. Sense of humour
4. Good smells

Three good and bad moments in your life you'll never forget.
Good
1. Going to college/ The 80's in general :)
2. Visiting San Francisco :)
3. Meeting Matt Good :)

Bad
1. My marriage/divorce
2. Death of loved ones/pets
3. Nearly dying in 1998

Two things you want to do before you die.
1.Visit San Francisco again
2. Visit various other places like Paris,England, Italy, Australia

One confession.
1. I love someone.

Matt Good, cars, bills and stuff

2008-06-11T14:07:00.000-04:00

Last Monday I had cortisone shots in both my shoulders....the following two days were kind of hellish...cortisone plays havoc with my diabetes (makes my sugar skyrocket) and it's very painful for a couple days after I have them. But now the pain has receded a LOT yayayayayay!!! Last time the pain was gone for ten days, this time I hope longer!! Any relief is appreciated!!
Friday I went to see Matt Good again, this time with a full band. I met my Matt Good friends Falina and John beforehand, and it turned out they were sitting right behind me at the concert, we couldn't have planned it better!! Matt was in fine form. It was an awesome night!
I haven't had a car in two weeks. I thought the alternator was gone, but it turns out it was just the battery. Thank god, because it turns out my brakes were waaaaaaaaaay worse than I originally thought, and they're costing me 1200 bucks, being fixed as we speak. The paying of said bill will take many months, but it's been horrible without the car, so you do what you have to do!!
D.

the end of the endless winter from hell....we hope

2008-05-26T12:00:00.000-04:00

There has been actual warmth and sunshine the last couple days; what a departure, I was worried the sun might have forsaken us permanently for a while there. Whew.

I haven't blogged in forever, I know. My life is such a whirlwind of pain and drugs, it's hard to tear myself away!! haha Seriously, at least I have a bit of pain control with the meds and the chiropractor and physio etc.
I'm hopeful the pain may leave again one day.

Not much else going on. I've painted...umm...once or twice. I should get back into it, but I still have a lot of bad pain days. I really hope that changes now that nicer weather is finally here.

I'm boring today. I have nothing else. :P

D.

well......!!!

2008-03-15T18:44:00.001-04:00

After the last 2 months of amazingly hellish pain, and waiting in breathless agony for the last 7 months-ish, I had my hemotology appointment on Tuesday finally. Turns out "hemotology clinic" is a fancy way of saying cancer clinic. They did a bunch of blood tests and ultra sounds which ruled out leukemia, thankfully. My hemoglobin was low, but otherwise the blood tests weren't bad. They also did a bone marrow biopsy, which are not for the faint of heart. They said they had never done one on someone with osteogenesis imperfecta before so yay, for my being a guinea pig and it was the most difficult one they said they had ever done. But I survived. They're checking for myeloma in the bones. I also have to do a 24 hour urine collection in a huge-ass jug they gave me so they can check for some kind of proteins that are present in urine if you have bone cancer apparently. That sounds fun, carrying Jug 0'Piss around the hospital my next visit, eh ;)

But I don't think it's cancer. I went to the rheumatologist on Thursday, because I seriously wanted to die from the pain at that point, and could no longer even raise my arms to brush my teeth or raise a fork to feed myself, or sleep for more than ten minutes at a time even on percacet every 3 hours. This time he said it's the rheumatoid arthritis, and SEVERELY so. He said there's fluid build up on my neck and upper spine causing the extreme shoulder pain and deformity. He gave me 3 cortisone shots, one in each shoulder and one in my hip. I had a really rough night Thursday night, but yesterday the pain was about 50% better, which was such a relief!! I know it's just a temporary band aid, but man, the pain's been so awful.

So the rheumatologist is putting me on a different medication for the rheumatoid, as the methotrexate is obviously not working. I have to try several more "cheaper" meds before they'll allow me to try remocade, (which a friend of mine is on and says it's like a miracle drug) as it's more expensive. I wonder if the people "at the top" suffered through this pain if they'd have to wait months and years and try other things...hmmm....

Oh!! On a positive note: the hemo clinic doctors told me there's a new experimental treatment for osteogenesis that i'm eligible for! They've submitted my appliction for it. It takes a few months to get approved, but apparently patients with it have 80% less fractures! You have to go and get it by IV every couple weeks for several hours. This is the first time EVER anyone has given me any hope whatsoever of treating this damn disease; I'm stoked! :)

Oh!! Another positive note: Going to see Matt Good again for my birthday this Thursday, my birthday present from Seanie!! Poor Matt's super sick with food poisoning right now though, I hope he's up to it by then.

So glad to be even in a fraction less pain, :),
D.

blech

2008-02-28T14:57:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged much lately. Whatever is wrong with me health-wise has been worsening to the point where I really can't stand the pain at all any more. The neverending winter from hell isn't helping much either.
Only 11 days now until I see the specialist, I'm just hoping they can figure out what's wrong and fix it.
Sorry it's a short entry, but I can't sit for long with the pain to type. I'll update after I see the specialist.
D.

on the upswing?

2008-01-24T21:08:00.000-05:00

sometimes my posts are a little uh...down, I know, to put it mildly.
Last night I was feeling super depressed, but luckily posting depressing poetry I wrote on here did help me vent. :D (sorry , ha)

I didn't sleep at all last night between worrying about things, pain, and the stupid cat yowling right beside my head every time I would have the audacity to doze off.

I had talked to my other best friend, Mike, last night earlier though and planned to meet him for coffee this morning. Well, he had coffee, my stomach could only cope with diet coke. Mike's my oldest (and bestest along with Seanie) friend; we went to college for music together back in the Dark Ages and we've not been able to scrape each other off since. :P
I do find that spending time with Mike or Sean and being able to talk about things definitely does make me feel better.
I'm still feeling very sick today, but my soul feels a bit better. :)
And I don't think any cat or beast could keep me awake again tonight in my exhausted state! :P
Deb out.
D.

some days

2008-01-24T01:41:00.000-05:00

Some days
I just get sick of feeling sick
Sick of being alone
Sick of waiting
Some days
I wish that you
Would rush to my side
Like I would to yours
If the tables were turned.
Some days
I just feel disheartened.
And sick.

D.

lazy me, paint and bureacratic b.s.

2008-01-21T21:49:00.000-05:00

Yeah so I haven't blogged since before Christmas, sue me.
I haven't been that well, still waiting for the March 11th hemotology appointment, unless there's a cancellation before then, (which I am not, at this point, holding my breath for)
I'm getting by though. Even did some painting last week, first time since I got sick five months-ish ago, I think.
So what's new? hmmm, let's see. My sweet best friend Seanie bought Matt Good tickets for Matt's Cleveland concert on my birthday March 20th for a birthday gift for me..:) That's the good news. The bad news was that when I went to get my passport so I can go, last week, I was informed I couldn't get a passport because my birth certificate had EXPIRED. WTF!!! Most effing retarded thing I ever heard of. Apparently birth certificates issued in the province of Quebec before 1994 have been declared invalid because they were accepting some forms of religious i.d. for them prior to then....or some such stupid shit. You would think they would notify people of this, but nooooo. So I had to get my MPP to help me, pay an extra 50 bucks to rush the application as i need to travel in March, and pay 20 bucks to courier the i.d. and the application to Quebec because they don't "like " faxes. For a birth certificate I already had, basically. And they've known this since 1994. And I've went to the States twice since then, and could ostensibly have been refused re entry into Canada as my only i.d. showing my citizenship is "invalid". Nice, eh.
Then, if there is no problem with getting the birth certificate, i can then pay twice as much as normal (170 bucks) to try and accelerate the passport application process. Craziness. What a country.
I really swear I was Hitler in a former life to deserve the punishment that is this one sometimes.
D.

Health care, shmealth care

2007-12-17T16:49:00.000-05:00

So the promised hemotology appointment has still not materialized. I spoke with my family doctor´s office and they had had actual voice contact with the ´backfromvacationallimportantappointmentbooking girl’ early today. She told them for sure she would call back today with an appointment for me. Needless to say, she did not do this, and when my doctor’s office called back later, they could only get an answering machine. I think this is absolutely ridiculous and total bullshit. I asked if my doctor could possibly refer me to someone else and I guess they are working on it. GRRRRR.

There is way too much snow here. It was so hard to get out of my parking spot today with the snow all piled in this corner. GRRRR.

/end of bitchfest

D.

snow, snow, go away......

2007-12-17T02:03:00.000-05:00

Well I saw my Seanie Thursday night and it was wonderful as always to see him. :)

My open house last night didnt go exactly as planned due to a blizzard. A few people did show up though, and we all had a really good time. My other best friend, Mike, came with his gf, and Chantel and her kids, Tish and her kids, and Lori all came as well.

The landlord (aka the troll) and the snow plow they hired put a six foot pile of snow blocking my car in the driveway...nobody elses. just mine. And mine is the only one without a garage. And mine is the only handicapped/wheelchair accessible unit, go figure.

I hate snow. That is all.
D.

Drugs in my pocket....and I DO know what to do with them...

2007-12-13T12:59:00.000-05:00

Well I still have not gotten an appointment date to see the hemotologist after 3 weeks of my family doctor trying to get an urgent referral for me. My doctor says that their office keeps telling her that the girl who makes the appointments is on holiday and to call back on Monday. Two weeks in a row now. This seems somewhat fishy to me. First of all ...why the hell is there only one person who can make appointments there (apparently shes a pretty damn important part of that office, eh), secondly, why do they keep telling us she will return on Monday two weeks in a row, and finally, what the HELL...you would not want to be deathly ill would you if an URGENT referral has you wait this long. If you had anything life threatening, I guess it would be up to your family to sue them as you would likely be dead by the time you got an appointment date. end of rant.

Side note:I am taking enough percacet to kill an elephant I think. By the time they figure out what is going on with me and get rid of this pain I will be heading for drug rehab.

On a happier note, Sean is coming over tonight. I love my Seanie. :) He couldnt make it to my open house this Saturday so is coming over tonight instead to exchange gifts etc. I have been in a cookie baking frenzy. Every square inch of my fridge freezer and deep freeze is filled with cookies and I have (fingers crossed) thus far managed to keep Braden from eating them all. I had to get them all done before Sat. so I can give people cookies for Xmas. Ive been in good spirits (might be the percacet) and looking forward to the celebrations this year. I think having this party was a good idea, keeps my mind off the pain and how miserable it makes me a little.

I am off now to go finish baking my last batch of cookies. mmmm cookies.

D.

update: my visit with Sean was lovely, and he paid me the highest compliment: said my Christmas tree looked like Sarah Richardson had decorated it ( his and my favourite designer, and to hear that from a gay man....wow!!!!) :) :) :)
D.

Hail, Deb

2007-11-29T12:02:00.001-05:00

I swear I was Hitler in my former life. Its the only explanation I can possibly come up with that explains the things that happen to me in this one: I AM PAYING FOR IT.
*warning: whine ahead*
I am pretty much completely stoned trying to rid myself of the escalating pain I have experienced for the last 3 months and yet still feel the damn pain.. my MRI results from last week came back and I am awaiting an appointment with a hemotologist to follow up those results. Also, now the powers that be have also blessed me with strepthroat and bronchitis as an added bonus. If I were a horse, they would have shot me long ago. I have new pain medication (which appears to not work so far and makes me nauseous) and antibiotics following yesterdays doctors appointment...I think its safe to say I could open up my own pharmacy at this point.
K, Off to wallow in my own misery a little more...
D.
p.s. sorry I have no apostrophes...my PC died and I had to learn how to use my Mac, but still havent fathomed out why the heck my question marks and apostrophes look like this: é è wth!! o_O

yeah, that's me...Gimpy

2007-11-20T13:45:00.000-05:00

Well I've tried to restrain myself from complaining too much on here, although the last three months have basically been a neverending and escalating kaleidoscope of pain for me.
I have to go for some more tests tomorrow...blood tests again this time as apparently last week's MRI divulged that my bone marrow is not what it should be. As I hunch along my hallway, "walking" in a style reminiscent of Quasimodo, I'm just hopeful they discover what in the bloody HELL is wrong and make it go away. (oh and hopefully be non fatal, please and thanks)
Whiningly,
D.

'Tis the Season...

2007-11-18T18:32:00.000-05:00

Autumn and the time up until the new year is my favourite time of year. It's the only time I get creative/crafty/in the spirit of things, so to speak. I almost always make my own gifts for everyone. In the past I have made my own potpourri (from flowers in my own garden), made tree ornaments, homemade salsa, homemade jams, wooden decorative sleighs, bathroom baskets, cookies and many other items over the years. Martha Stewart would seriously be proud of me.
This year it is practically a sickness...it is only mid November and I am already not only finished my Christmas shopping, but I have also wrapped everything, including all the stocking items. Ya, I know... however, I haven't done my holiday baking yet, which I am giving as gifts again this year (by request) but that's only because Braden (my youngest son) will eat everything out of the freezer as I found out through unfortunate circumstances last year. (Sorry again to those of you who didn't get a gift...) And um...I do already have all the tins/containers in readiness for when I DO bake.
I'm so ahead of the game, in fact, I'm planning a holiday open house this year. Mostly just so I'll have more decorating, craft and food projects. *blush* On my agenda: making my own holiday soaps, (never done that one before *claps hands in anticipation*) more baking, more extensive indoor and outdoor decorating than I've done in the past. Yay!
...like I said, it's a sickness....
D.

Finally!!

2007-11-14T14:04:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know I haven't blogged in...forever. Without the gory details....blah blah, pain, MRI's, doctors, pain, blah blah...

Still bad, but thought I'd take a time-out from my daily agony to update the ol' blog for those of you unfortunate enough to follow it.

I saw Matt Good again here in Hamilton a couple weeks ago. He was awesome as per usual, but seemed very sad/depressed/subdued during his concert with hardly any of his trademark witty banter. I asked him about it after the show and he said he was just tired. I don't think being in Hamilton, hometown of his cheating, gold digging ex-wife probably helped his mood much. Gratuitous pic of Matt and I on his tour bus after the Hamilton concert:

Last night one of my little piano students burst into tears during her lesson. I felt really bad...I've never actually made one cry before. I called her mother later and she said she was just crying from frustration because she couldn't play the song we were working on. Is it wrong that I find it ironically kinda funny that the song was "We Wish you a Merry Christmas"? :P (No merriment happening there apparently.)

I really have to get painting again soon. I miss it, but I can't sit long enough with the pain thing going on to do it.

And on this note of sciatic proportions, I must now stop typing and stand up before my ass spontaneously combusts.
Later.
D.

Matt Good + Massey Hall = phenomenal!!!

2007-10-29T01:57:00.000-04:00

So I know I haven't blogged in ages. Truth be told, I've been in such bad physical pain I can barely sit for five straight minutes, and it hasn't been a pretty thing the last couple months. I'm not going to make this a whining blog though, just explaining why I've been AWOL is all. :)

So right to the main event: I went to see Matthew Good at Massey Hall in Toronto Friday night...WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW. The acoustics in that place are fanfuckingTASTIC!! I was in 2nd row centre floor, and my god, it was like the music was just surrounding me completely and blowing my little freakin' mind! Honourable mention to his opening 2-women-show, Dala, as well. What a pair of pipes those two have!! Very impressive.

Matt was in fine form, totally outdoing himself as per usual...I've seen him in concert 6 times now and this was by far the best performance I've ever seen. I sat through his two and a half hour show in spite of constant shooting pain in my posterior region (and those chairs in Massey Hall...don't get me started...I felt my chair was dropping closer to the floor by the second, and every time I'd shift, the chair would drop-recline; I ended up in the lap of the guy behind me five times during the concert...I felt I should almost propose to him by the conclusion of the performance haha o_O) and frankly hardly noticed the pain through most of the concert I was so mesmerized. Not only was his music beautiful, gut and heart wrenching, and his voice second to none in spite of his current fight with bronchitis, but his hysterically warped and funny sense of humour made it as much a stand up comedy show as a musical concert.

Sean went with me...Sean was not a fan of Matt's...now he is. He thought he was hilarious, and said he thought the music was better live than recorded, which he has never found to be the case with any concert before. This is the sign of a true artist...no "studio magic" needed!!

Matt's renditions of "Avalanche", "Load me Up", and "Metal Airplanes" were major standouts for me, though the whole concert was simply mind boggling in its sheer magnitude. Matt mentioned later that at one point he looked out into the audience and had a tingle go up and down his spine and an epiphany that this was the moment and he was destined to do this for at least another 20 years. We hope so, Matt!!!

I saw Matt backstage after the concert and gave him the dog portraits I painted him. He's such a great guy...I know I'm biased but he is!! lol

Here's a couple pics of him onstage, then backstage checking out the portraits and showing them to his crew and a pic of him and yours truly:

I see Matt again next Friday here in Hamilton at Hamilton Place...can't wait!!! hehehehehhehe *so obsessed*...er...I mean, I have such respect and admiration for him. All kidding aside, I really do you know...not only do I love his music but I love his mind, political beliefs, sense of haha, and just ...well...his humanity. He's the most real person in or out of the public eye that I have ever met, and his generosity, kindness and recognition/action toward the plight of lesser fortunate individuals is truly inspiring. The fact he can still laugh and even function after the personal trials he has endured over the last year is awe inspiring at the very least.

/end of gush (for the next five days until the next concert anyway teehee)

Pain

2007-09-24T06:14:00.000-04:00

Is not my friend. Without going into a total whining spree here, I simply cannot stand the pain that is my right shoulder any more. It's been going on for nearly a year, off and on. Mostly on. I'm finally getting an ultrasound done on it in a couple weeks, and it's not a minute too soon. When you can't sleep through a night without waking up to pop Tylenol 3's every few hours, to hold off curling into the fetal position and sobbing uncontrollably, I believe there is a problem, Houston. When you can't even turn light switches on and off without cringing in agony, there is a problem. Self amputation is starting to look attractive. o_O

....back to a drug induced (hopefully) sleep....

D.

happy autumnal equinox

2007-09-22T14:57:00.000-04:00

I love the autumn. I don't know if that's morbid of me to love the season where basically everything dies, but I come alive in the fall. I have this sense of contentment, security...my childhood was kind of lonely, so I spent a lot of time outside alone with my imagination, maybe it stems from that. I always loved reading stories about hallowe'en, harvest, that kind of thing also.

I'm finally feeling a little better for the last two days, knock wood. I hope it continues!

I absolutely HAVE to get at this painting for Tara's wedding gift today; I've procrastinated this last week, though in my defense I've felt like doggie doo. It's so beautiful outside it's hard to be stuck indoors for any period of time.

*sigh* back to work...

Sickness and stuff

2007-09-18T12:15:00.000-04:00

Well, in spite of all my good intentions, I have obviously not been writing in my blog every day. I blame this almost entirely on the germs that invaded my body a little over a week ago when I sat beside that woman who was sneezing and hacking. Damn her.

So for the last week I have been feverish, and generally feeling like hell.
And that sums it up.

I did manage to finish the second painting attempt of Matt's other dog last week as well. I think it's a little better than the first draft, and I'm all right with this one I think:

I did participate in a walkathon fundraiser to help the women's shelter in spite of raging fever on Friday. And I've managed to keep exercising even though I sincerely thought I might actually die a couple times while doing so.

Yesterday I found out he who shall not be named's child was born. I found this out by seeing his mother's congratulatory note to he and his (estranged?) wife on his facebook wall. Congratulations. And that's all I'm saying about that.

Sorry, for my lack of anything probably faintly amusing today...I'm off to try and feel better and to go attempt to teach some people about music.
D.

I said don't touch me.

2007-09-08T15:52:00.000-04:00

The ever-so-accomodating Chloe, The Cat/Queen, showing me the love as per usual, last evening.

I'm turning Japanese...

2007-09-07T11:23:00.000-04:00

...I really think so.
I am so addicted to sushi, miso soup, almost all foods Japanese.

I'm making sushi right now for Braden (the youngest kid) and I to have for supper . ( Alex, (the oldest) is the pickiest eater in the free world, we won't even go there. If it weren't for pizza and peanut butter he would have wasted away years ago.) I swear I could eat sushi every meal, every day....mmmmmmmm....somehow I don't think that would be exactly good for you though. All things in moderation, including mercury poisoning, I would think. o_O Between sushi, miso soup and tofu though, yeah...you're basically looking at what keeps me alive. :P

Another hot smoggy day in the Hammer. You can't see more than a block down the road for the visible air pollution. Methinks I will be staying inside and painting once again today. I kindly drove the kids to school once again and will be picking them up after school, generous mama that I am. (Really I just want to keep them around a little longer for the cheap slave labour they provide. :P)

I'm nearly done the painting of Matt's second dog, Benji. Here's a picture of the portrait I did of his first dog, Casey: (sorry, crappy webcam pic, the batteries are charging for the digi cam)

Hopefully I can finish Benji's portrait in the next day or two, and I got a good start on the portrait of my sister's dog yesterday.

Back to my sushi preparations!

Heat, paintbrushes and shaved pussies

2007-09-06T12:36:00.000-04:00

Well it's a sweltering 40 degree celsius in the shade kind of day today and I'm hiding out in my air conditioning, painting. I had to emerge from my cave earlier when I couldn't find the ONE detail paintbrush I like and need, and had to immediately go to Michaels for a new one. heh. Two expensive paintbrushes and two new acrylic paints later ("silver morning", a new shade!! wooo! it sparkles) I dragged myself reluctantly from their premises. At first I thought my glasses or my sunglasses must be smudged when I came out of the store, but after cleaning both, I realized it was the smog and humidity that was fogging my vision. Sure makes one proud to be a Hamiltonian at times like that.

The Cat (or The Queen as we often call her) is sitting in all her glorious sovereignty watching me with complete disdain as I type this. (It might have something to do with the fact I'm painting dogs, or just the fact she has the most miserable personality I've ever encountered in a feline.) She's a 14 year old persian named Chloe, who loves me, and hates EVERY OTHER LIVING THING ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH. She tolerates my oldest child and hates the youngest, which she proves pretty much daily by hissing, scratching, growling, biting him etc. I think it's because they're the same age, have grown up together and are jealous of each other, personally. So anyway, the bitch...I mean...The Cat...won't let me brush her, so once a year I take her to the groomer and she gets shaved naked. She hates being groomed, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for Lisa, her groomer. (Why anyone would ever choose to do that for a living is beyond me, but kudos to those who do!!) But she loooooooves how it feels when she's bald afterwards and acts like a kitten and wants to cuddle...well, as much as a cat who is completely anti-social would ever cuddle, that is. What always amazes me is how extremely tiny she is without hair. She's a small cat, weighs about 7 pounds, but man, without hair...she puts one in mind of a small chihuahua, or slightly large rat. Or maybe ET while he was still in utero.

I don't have pics from her being shaved two days ago yet, but here's one from the last time:

You can see the intense enjoyment on her face. Such a sweet animal.

Back to painting now.

My first (real) blog aka I am NOT a cougar

2007-09-05T14:35:00.000-04:00

Well here I sit, when I should be painting.
My kids are at school for another hour, and all I've really accomplished today is a load of laundry washed and hung on the line. woooo, me!
Me in a nutshell: divorced single parent of two teenagers, eminently sarcastic, reasonably intelligent, jaded, but a former hopeless romantic until the said jading well...jaded me. I teach music, paint, write a bit. Artsy fartsy but without a "real job" as they say . ha

Really, lately, all my life revolves around is painting, music, the kids, watching every calorie I put in my mouth, a boxing dvd I obsessively work out to every day, and a certain person who shall remain nameless.

My kids are barely even "kids" anymore... the youngest started high school yesterday and the oldest became (well legally, anyway) an adult a couple weeks ago. Am I feeling my age? meh. somewhat. Not really. Might have something to do with the fact I only date younger men. heh. (But I'm not a 'cougar' damn it :P)

I'm currently painting Matt Good's two dogs for him. Well, one's finished. The other's giving me a hard time. (keeping in mind this is just a photograph of said dog we're talking about!) I also have to paint a portrait of my sister's dog for a wedding gift for her next month. I just started painting last year, but it seems to be going well, when I'm NOT swearing at the paint/brushes/palette/canvases/light/easel/subjects. *note: this is not very often

I met Matt Good in the summer. It was probably the singlemost thrilling thing of my life, seeing as he's kind of a hero to me. (Okay, basically I stalk him, are you happy!? :P) But anyway, he and I have spoken on the phone and through emails several times since I met him, and well, it's been kind of surreal to me!! I have been a huge fan of his music and his mind for four years now and it's really weird to know the guy in real life. And of anyone I've ever met, he is the truest to his public image. He stands by his values and everyone and everything he believes in. I have such admiration for the man, especially after all he's been through in the last year or so. He did a huge favour for me and my kids recently, and I'm painting portraits of his dogs as a kind of repayment. It's a surprise, hopefully a pleasant one! ha I'm still very paranoid about my art. My paintings are like babies to me and I'm terrified I'll give one to someone who won't appreciate it and who will toss it or something o_O But somehow I can't see Matt doing that, thankfully.

He who shall remain nameless emailed me last night, FINALLY, after not hearing from him for nearly a month and having visions of his lifeless body in a ditch along the QEW...whew. Hopefully it won't be that long before I hear from him again, my mental state doesn't cope well in these situations. (read: i might have to hone my private investigating skills which might be construed by some as that pesky "stalking" word again :P)

D.