Well here we are in August already. It's finally some semblance of summer here; June and July were more like autumn really. Not that I'm complaining, autumn's my fave! But still no apartment in sight. I still hate my neighbours and the house is still falling down around me. I refuse to give up; there has to be an apartment for me out there somewhere! I hope I find it before the snow flies. *sigh*
Last week's visit with Seany went well. Mike and I fought the entire time to and from and during the visit, but that's what we do. Sean seemed very tired and weak. I hope the cardiologist can do something for him when he sees him again next week.
I've been sick with stomach flu and swollen leg/ankles. The doctor thinks it may be my kidneys (diabetes related) and ordered some blood tests but I feel better today and Braden's sick to his stomach now too so I'm sure it's all okay.
On top of my mother being sick with cancer, my father called today and apparently has to have a triple heart bypass surgery asap. Boy, my family is really lucky healthwise. The doctor said he's lucky he is alive; three of his arteries are 80% blocked. yikes. He's not allowed to do anything until his surgery basically, and they're making arrangements for mom to stay at the hospital free of charge too so they can care for her while he's in there. That's something at least, I guess.
And we march on, under the little black cloud, which seems to be expanding...
Always that little ray of sunshine you can count on,
D.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
and the black cloud thrives....
I went to the new neuro surgeon at the beginning of this week and he basically reiterated what the last surgeon said...that being that my cervical spine is inoperable and that I should seek mental help/ antidepressants. I would not be "depressed" if I weren't in agony 24/7 but they don't seem to comprehend this.
I was pretty inconsolable for a few days, but a friend of mine suggested I go see his therapist, which I did yesterday. He was like a fat, jolly, Chinese version of Santa but with all the swear words intact. :) I rather enjoyed our hour together in spite of having to bare my soul to him but I hope he can help me. And without more damn drugs. Hell, I could open up my own private pharmacy at this point, more drugs is the last thing I need.
My dear friend Seany is very ill. It's his heart, and I hope to go and see him again in a couple weeks. Mike has promised to take me to see him, (My eyes are horrible from diabetes these days and I feel scared , as should the drivers around me! when I'm on the highway and can't see properly) which is big of him really, seeing as the last time Mike saw Sean he disrupted his birthday party (he was wasted) and was fighting with many of the partygoers and flinging gay slurs at them (99% of the attendees were gay). Mike has been ashamed of this for years and has apologized profusely for his actions that day. Sean is the most forgiving, accepting person in the world, and has often told me that since I adore Mike, Mike is always welcome at his house. Luckily! They are my two very best friends in the world and I am glad they can get along in spite of what occurred in the past. They've both been very sick in the last while. Mike had cancer a couple years ago and thankfully recovered from it; I was a mess...that hit me so hard. I truly love him so much; it was awful. I hope Seany recovers from this; he's much too young to have health issues of this nature; he's only 34. :( I don't know what I'd do without him and I refuse to find out.
Everything seems so surreal lately. It's like everyone's getting sick and everything's going wrong...please let it all improve soon!
I kicked Alex (my oldest son) out of my house today. It wasn't hostile, I just told him that I feel I'm enabling him to continue being lazy and not find work or school by letting him stay here. He agreed with me. It was very amicable and I hope it gives him the kick in the pants I feel is needed. He's staying with his girlfriend's parents and hopefully he will feel guilty enough sponging off them instead of me to more actively seek employment.
Whew. I'm running off at the mouth (fingers?)here and must find my bed now.
D.
I was pretty inconsolable for a few days, but a friend of mine suggested I go see his therapist, which I did yesterday. He was like a fat, jolly, Chinese version of Santa but with all the swear words intact. :) I rather enjoyed our hour together in spite of having to bare my soul to him but I hope he can help me. And without more damn drugs. Hell, I could open up my own private pharmacy at this point, more drugs is the last thing I need.
My dear friend Seany is very ill. It's his heart, and I hope to go and see him again in a couple weeks. Mike has promised to take me to see him, (My eyes are horrible from diabetes these days and I feel scared , as should the drivers around me! when I'm on the highway and can't see properly) which is big of him really, seeing as the last time Mike saw Sean he disrupted his birthday party (he was wasted) and was fighting with many of the partygoers and flinging gay slurs at them (99% of the attendees were gay). Mike has been ashamed of this for years and has apologized profusely for his actions that day. Sean is the most forgiving, accepting person in the world, and has often told me that since I adore Mike, Mike is always welcome at his house. Luckily! They are my two very best friends in the world and I am glad they can get along in spite of what occurred in the past. They've both been very sick in the last while. Mike had cancer a couple years ago and thankfully recovered from it; I was a mess...that hit me so hard. I truly love him so much; it was awful. I hope Seany recovers from this; he's much too young to have health issues of this nature; he's only 34. :( I don't know what I'd do without him and I refuse to find out.
Everything seems so surreal lately. It's like everyone's getting sick and everything's going wrong...please let it all improve soon!
I kicked Alex (my oldest son) out of my house today. It wasn't hostile, I just told him that I feel I'm enabling him to continue being lazy and not find work or school by letting him stay here. He agreed with me. It was very amicable and I hope it gives him the kick in the pants I feel is needed. He's staying with his girlfriend's parents and hopefully he will feel guilty enough sponging off them instead of me to more actively seek employment.
Whew. I'm running off at the mouth (fingers?)here and must find my bed now.
D.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
blabbity blah
I haven't blogged in six months...a lot has happened. I've been having horrible issues with my youngest son, who fell in with a bad crowd this year at school and has been arrested three times since my last blog entry. I am at my wits' end with him, we've tried counselling, all sorts of punishments...he doesn't seem to care. His most recent arrest was last week and we're waiting to see if the police are going to charge him this time and give him a criminal record...*sigh*. My oldest son flunked out of college first semester and has since gotten and lost a job and is currently unemployed and not in school. I feel like a complete failure as a parent. *sigh*
My pain has escalated...I had the temp. surgery "fix" five weeks ago and the pain is already back full force. I see another neuro surgeon on the 13th and hope and pray this one will operate and find a permanent solution to this hell.
My sister's husband called my son last week and told him my mother is very ill. I think she's dying. I went to visit her last weekend and she's not well at all...she has lymphoma and it's spread to her bone marrow and she was in terrible spirits while we were there. :( I know we've had our differences, but I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and I'm trying to mend our fences.
Things just seem like a nightmare lately.
Speaking of dreams...I had one about Alex (my ex-love, not my son) yesterday and even though I haven't thought about him in so long it's totally fucked me up the last couple days...grrr. Will I ever get over that???? :( :(
D.
My pain has escalated...I had the temp. surgery "fix" five weeks ago and the pain is already back full force. I see another neuro surgeon on the 13th and hope and pray this one will operate and find a permanent solution to this hell.
My sister's husband called my son last week and told him my mother is very ill. I think she's dying. I went to visit her last weekend and she's not well at all...she has lymphoma and it's spread to her bone marrow and she was in terrible spirits while we were there. :( I know we've had our differences, but I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and I'm trying to mend our fences.
Things just seem like a nightmare lately.
Speaking of dreams...I had one about Alex (my ex-love, not my son) yesterday and even though I haven't thought about him in so long it's totally fucked me up the last couple days...grrr. Will I ever get over that???? :( :(
D.
Friday, January 9, 2009
the little black cloud that follows me around
Holy crap, I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted on here!! *slaps self* I seriously need to update this thing a TINY bit more often. *blush*
So let's see....where to begin. My oldest son is doing okay in college, he's been home for the holidays for the last month and goes back this weekend. My youngest son has been bowing some to peer pressure and I've been pissed off and worried, but I hope he's seen the light at the end of the popularity tunnel. Holidays were okay, because I had the temporary spinal surgery again Nov. 28th. The two months leading up to that surgery I won't even get into details on...let's just say the first surgery's pain relief lasted 5 weeks, so the interim was soooooo painful I was seriously contemplating harming myself.
I finally saw the neuro surgeon that I've been waiting 7 months to see this week. It did NOT go well. He was a total DICK to me, and basically said he won't operate and insinuated I'm a crybaby that needs psychological help. Uh huh. So I was feeling somewhat suicidal again after that appointment and I'm still trying to figure out how the HELL I am going to cope with this pain. It's been 5 weeks now since the last surgery, and the pain started coming back pretty badly last week. Nuff said for now.
Oh!! Here's something funny, in a "my luck is the worst luck on the face of the earth" kind of way.... Last week I was standing at my bathroom sink brushing my teeth and I heard a thump behind me. I turned just in time for the laundry room door to fall off its hinges and slam into my face. Broken nose and a black eye later....! How fucking RANDOM was that, I ask you!!?? That black cloud needs to take the express bus to Greenland, seriously.
I finally bade a farewell (for my own closure) to the love of my life. After leaving me hanging for so long and saying he needed to find himself, he apparently found someone else also in the process. I'd already come to terms with the fact he is not capable of committing to me, so it wasn't a huge surprise, to be honest. I don't think I'll ever love that way again though. I know people say that, but I gave him my soul.
Now I just need to find my soul again. This year I need to do things for myself. Which may be difficult given the fact I live in constant agony, but I'm going to try.
Wow, what a downer this post has been, huh!?
Ending on a positive note: I have a friend who is a sex god and that, my friends, has never been better. He makes me forget the pain for a while...in fact, he makes me forget that I don't speak french and watch the french channel for an hour before I realize it's not english. Ha!!
D.
So let's see....where to begin. My oldest son is doing okay in college, he's been home for the holidays for the last month and goes back this weekend. My youngest son has been bowing some to peer pressure and I've been pissed off and worried, but I hope he's seen the light at the end of the popularity tunnel. Holidays were okay, because I had the temporary spinal surgery again Nov. 28th. The two months leading up to that surgery I won't even get into details on...let's just say the first surgery's pain relief lasted 5 weeks, so the interim was soooooo painful I was seriously contemplating harming myself.
I finally saw the neuro surgeon that I've been waiting 7 months to see this week. It did NOT go well. He was a total DICK to me, and basically said he won't operate and insinuated I'm a crybaby that needs psychological help. Uh huh. So I was feeling somewhat suicidal again after that appointment and I'm still trying to figure out how the HELL I am going to cope with this pain. It's been 5 weeks now since the last surgery, and the pain started coming back pretty badly last week. Nuff said for now.
Oh!! Here's something funny, in a "my luck is the worst luck on the face of the earth" kind of way.... Last week I was standing at my bathroom sink brushing my teeth and I heard a thump behind me. I turned just in time for the laundry room door to fall off its hinges and slam into my face. Broken nose and a black eye later....! How fucking RANDOM was that, I ask you!!?? That black cloud needs to take the express bus to Greenland, seriously.
I finally bade a farewell (for my own closure) to the love of my life. After leaving me hanging for so long and saying he needed to find himself, he apparently found someone else also in the process. I'd already come to terms with the fact he is not capable of committing to me, so it wasn't a huge surprise, to be honest. I don't think I'll ever love that way again though. I know people say that, but I gave him my soul.
Now I just need to find my soul again. This year I need to do things for myself. Which may be difficult given the fact I live in constant agony, but I'm going to try.
Wow, what a downer this post has been, huh!?
Ending on a positive note: I have a friend who is a sex god and that, my friends, has never been better. He makes me forget the pain for a while...in fact, he makes me forget that I don't speak french and watch the french channel for an hour before I realize it's not english. Ha!!
D.
Monday, September 15, 2008
my son the card
Braden: "This is our cat's thought trend...Mom pets me, I purr, I follow her around, I get fed, get water, get lots of treats, I have diarrhea, then the tall one cleans it."
(after he finished cleaning diarrhea out of the litter box, natch.)
D.
(after he finished cleaning diarrhea out of the litter box, natch.)
D.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
nad busting
Ever have one of those days/weeks/lives where you just want to beat the living crap out of all other human beings/inanimate objects from utter frustration and rage?
Yeah.
That would be me today and possibly all days of late.
So was it the doctor who prescribed me the medication that nearly killed me a month ago asking how I was doing on that medication this morning that drove me over the edge? No. Was it him being an utter moron and asking me if I'd like to try some new medication after the last one nearly killed me and gave me a heart condition? No. Was it the fact I'm having problems with the government and totally stressed out over money and my son going to college? No. Was it trying to get my other son ready for high school? No. Was it administrative problems with the music studio today and them making me once again look like I am a complete fuckup to my students? No. Was it the worry of having spinal surgery tomorrow morning? No. Well, all this stuff combined may have helped, but the thing that was the final straw that made me completely lose it???
Harvey's didn't put ketchup in the bag with my fries.
Yeah.
I asked them twice in my defence!
:P
and argh.
D.
Yeah.
That would be me today and possibly all days of late.
So was it the doctor who prescribed me the medication that nearly killed me a month ago asking how I was doing on that medication this morning that drove me over the edge? No. Was it him being an utter moron and asking me if I'd like to try some new medication after the last one nearly killed me and gave me a heart condition? No. Was it the fact I'm having problems with the government and totally stressed out over money and my son going to college? No. Was it trying to get my other son ready for high school? No. Was it administrative problems with the music studio today and them making me once again look like I am a complete fuckup to my students? No. Was it the worry of having spinal surgery tomorrow morning? No. Well, all this stuff combined may have helped, but the thing that was the final straw that made me completely lose it???
Harvey's didn't put ketchup in the bag with my fries.
Yeah.
I asked them twice in my defence!
:P
and argh.
D.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
school daze
The good news this week is that my son Alex was accepted into the college we had hoped for!YAY,and he's very excited!! Very last minute, however, so we are now scrambling to get everything in order for him to start school in the next three weeks. We have one week to basically pay for everything, and with me being on disability and him only working approximately 3 hours a week, not as easy task! I'm very stressed out and just hope everything will work out for him!
Painwise, things are getting worse all the time, and I'm looking forward to the surgery on my spine Aug 29th, which will also be the weekend Alex will have to move to Oakville! More stress. But hopefully it will all work out, and I'll get it all organized before my surgery date.
Okay, can't sit here long to type. It's agony, truth be told.
Talk soon,
D.
Painwise, things are getting worse all the time, and I'm looking forward to the surgery on my spine Aug 29th, which will also be the weekend Alex will have to move to Oakville! More stress. But hopefully it will all work out, and I'll get it all organized before my surgery date.
Okay, can't sit here long to type. It's agony, truth be told.
Talk soon,
D.
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