Jinxy

So I totally jinxed myself last week when I talked about how good I was feeling on here. On the weekend I was walking along at the mall normally and snap! Broken ankle and foot. I had a good run, it's been two years since my last fracture, but it's small consolation really. I was really worried I was going to lose my job over it...I have to drive to Stoney Creek and Ancaster to teach...but tadah! Mike is my hero: I put him on my insurance yesterday, and he picked up my car today: he's going to drive me to and from my various music studios and then go to and from his, which is very out of the way, in Dundas. I think he's the best person in the world.
I go to the fracture clinic this Thursday for my cast; it's splinted at the moment. And I'm in a wheelchair again indefinitely.
I'm really noticing how NOT wheelchair accessible my supposedly wheelchair accessible unit I live in is. I can't reach the cupboards at all, barely reach the sinks, the stove burners are slanted and dump hot pots in my lap, and I can't get back in the house when I go out..although there is a wheelchair ramp, there is a two inch ledge in the doorway which makes it impossible for me to get back in once I'm out...I was trapped out there this morning until Mike came back from the library for me. (yes, he does errands too! Do his merits never end?? Don't even get me goin'!:D)
This is my 19th ankle fracture and I think in overall fractures I'm in the 50's now. It really burns my ass that this probably could have been avoided if the government would have agreed to my request back in January to have the treatment of Aclasta, which is supposed to significantly reduce fractures in people with Osteogenesis Imperfecta (OI). It's $750 dollars for one treatment for 15 minutes through an IV once a year. I can't afford it, being a single mom primarily on disability. *sigh*
So here we go again.
I had a mild pity party this morning when I was having a really hard time cleaning up...read: impossible. I had a little cry and feel ashamed now because I know how much worse off many people are and I have no right to feel sorry for myself really.
In other better news, Matt Good is touring again this fall for his new CD and will be in Hamilton in December. No groupie-ing for me this time with the bum leg/wheelchair unfortunately, but I will see him in Hamilton at least even if I have to crawl there. :)
Multiple fracturally,
D.

Deb the Fool

I had such a great day yesterday. Well, until I had to go for a really boring meeting at work with rules and regulations drilled into my head for two and a half straight hours! ha

Before that, I took the painting down to Mike's, he made tea, then we went down to the bayfront and walked and talked and sat on the patio down there for a couple hours. It was really nice. Wish I hadn't had to leave so soon to go to work. He really liked the painting and said it cheered him up some. His wedding was supposed to have been on Saturday, so it's been really rough on him, poor guy. I wish he wasn't so upset/heartbroken and I kinda wish I didn't care that he is so much.

My friend April thinks I should do my associate degree in music pedagogy...I'm thinking about it, but man, sooooo much work involved in that. She thinks I'll have that many more private students if I have the "letters" after my name. We shall see.

I went off my pain patch a week ago and I'm doing REALLY well so far. I feel better than I've felt in a very long time (*knock wood*) and I hope it lasts. Forever, ideally! :)

Back to school/work for Braden and I today. Think I'll remember all those rules?? hahahaha

D.

That ever so elusive bluebird of happiness

So my computer's been broken, but I'm blogging now, so there.
Been doing pretty much the same old...teaching here and there (it's slow in the summer) and summer kind of stuff, as far as you can when in chronic pain, anyway.
I had the temp. spinal surgery again two weeks ago so I'm doing pretty well at the moment, I even went off my pain patch a few days ago just to prove to myself I'm not dependent on that shit. It's been rough, but I'm going to try and stay off it until the pain gets too much to stand again. :)
Braden's been working for his dad (my ex husband) the last couple weeks and did really well, apparently. It was really hard physical labour, industrial roofing. Alex tried it too, but well....it's Alex we're talking about here, and apparently he was taking 75 minute shits 3 times a day so was "let go" after 4 days. Laziest. Person. Ever. That's all I'm saying about it, and thank god he lives with Amanda now, and not here or I would have to strangle him.
Mike's been really depressed and withdrawn (his fiancee left him a few months ago out of the blue, and he's really worried about losing his house and is just really sad over it, poor guy.) We kinda had words the other day. (that is what we do) I feel bad for him though and tonight I was figuring out what I could do to cheer him up (and NO, not THAT O_o) so I decided to paint him "the bluebird of happiness." Yeah, I'm a sap. Shut up. It actually turned out pretty well, hopefully I'll give it to him tomorrow. He's always liked my paintings and strangely, I've never done one for him before, even though he's my oldest and best friend.
Back to school for Braden in two days, and back to work for moi.
:)
Talk soon
D.

apartments for the fracturally challenged?

Well here we are in August already. It's finally some semblance of summer here; June and July were more like autumn really. Not that I'm complaining, autumn's my fave! But still no apartment in sight. I still hate my neighbours and the house is still falling down around me. I refuse to give up; there has to be an apartment for me out there somewhere! I hope I find it before the snow flies. *sigh*

Last week's visit with Seany went well. Mike and I fought the entire time to and from and during the visit, but that's what we do. Sean seemed very tired and weak. I hope the cardiologist can do something for him when he sees him again next week.

I've been sick with stomach flu and swollen leg/ankles. The doctor thinks it may be my kidneys (diabetes related) and ordered some blood tests but I feel better today and Braden's sick to his stomach now too so I'm sure it's all okay.

On top of my mother being sick with cancer, my father called today and apparently has to have a triple heart bypass surgery asap. Boy, my family is really lucky healthwise. The doctor said he's lucky he is alive; three of his arteries are 80% blocked. yikes. He's not allowed to do anything until his surgery basically, and they're making arrangements for mom to stay at the hospital free of charge too so they can care for her while he's in there. That's something at least, I guess.

And we march on, under the little black cloud, which seems to be expanding...

Always that little ray of sunshine you can count on,
D.

and the black cloud thrives....

I went to the new neuro surgeon at the beginning of this week and he basically reiterated what the last surgeon said...that being that my cervical spine is inoperable and that I should seek mental help/ antidepressants. I would not be "depressed" if I weren't in agony 24/7 but they don't seem to comprehend this.
I was pretty inconsolable for a few days, but a friend of mine suggested I go see his therapist, which I did yesterday. He was like a fat, jolly, Chinese version of Santa but with all the swear words intact. :) I rather enjoyed our hour together in spite of having to bare my soul to him but I hope he can help me. And without more damn drugs. Hell, I could open up my own private pharmacy at this point, more drugs is the last thing I need.
My dear friend Seany is very ill. It's his heart, and I hope to go and see him again in a couple weeks. Mike has promised to take me to see him, (My eyes are horrible from diabetes these days and I feel scared , as should the drivers around me! when I'm on the highway and can't see properly) which is big of him really, seeing as the last time Mike saw Sean he disrupted his birthday party (he was wasted) and was fighting with many of the partygoers and flinging gay slurs at them (99% of the attendees were gay). Mike has been ashamed of this for years and has apologized profusely for his actions that day. Sean is the most forgiving, accepting person in the world, and has often told me that since I adore Mike, Mike is always welcome at his house. Luckily! They are my two very best friends in the world and I am glad they can get along in spite of what occurred in the past. They've both been very sick in the last while. Mike had cancer a couple years ago and thankfully recovered from it; I was a mess...that hit me so hard. I truly love him so much; it was awful. I hope Seany recovers from this; he's much too young to have health issues of this nature; he's only 34. :( I don't know what I'd do without him and I refuse to find out.
Everything seems so surreal lately. It's like everyone's getting sick and everything's going wrong...please let it all improve soon!
I kicked Alex (my oldest son) out of my house today. It wasn't hostile, I just told him that I feel I'm enabling him to continue being lazy and not find work or school by letting him stay here. He agreed with me. It was very amicable and I hope it gives him the kick in the pants I feel is needed. He's staying with his girlfriend's parents and hopefully he will feel guilty enough sponging off them instead of me to more actively seek employment.
Whew. I'm running off at the mouth (fingers?)here and must find my bed now.
D.

blabbity blah

I haven't blogged in six months...a lot has happened. I've been having horrible issues with my youngest son, who fell in with a bad crowd this year at school and has been arrested three times since my last blog entry. I am at my wits' end with him, we've tried counselling, all sorts of punishments...he doesn't seem to care. His most recent arrest was last week and we're waiting to see if the police are going to charge him this time and give him a criminal record...*sigh*. My oldest son flunked out of college first semester and has since gotten and lost a job and is currently unemployed and not in school. I feel like a complete failure as a parent. *sigh*

My pain has escalated...I had the temp. surgery "fix" five weeks ago and the pain is already back full force. I see another neuro surgeon on the 13th and hope and pray this one will operate and find a permanent solution to this hell.

My sister's husband called my son last week and told him my mother is very ill. I think she's dying. I went to visit her last weekend and she's not well at all...she has lymphoma and it's spread to her bone marrow and she was in terrible spirits while we were there. :( I know we've had our differences, but I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and I'm trying to mend our fences.

Things just seem like a nightmare lately.
Speaking of dreams...I had one about Alex (my ex-love, not my son) yesterday and even though I haven't thought about him in so long it's totally fucked me up the last couple days...grrr. Will I ever get over that???? :( :(
D.

the little black cloud that follows me around

Holy crap, I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted on here!! *slaps self* I seriously need to update this thing a TINY bit more often. *blush*

So let's see....where to begin. My oldest son is doing okay in college, he's been home for the holidays for the last month and goes back this weekend. My youngest son has been bowing some to peer pressure and I've been pissed off and worried, but I hope he's seen the light at the end of the popularity tunnel. Holidays were okay, because I had the temporary spinal surgery again Nov. 28th. The two months leading up to that surgery I won't even get into details on...let's just say the first surgery's pain relief lasted 5 weeks, so the interim was soooooo painful I was seriously contemplating harming myself.

I finally saw the neuro surgeon that I've been waiting 7 months to see this week. It did NOT go well. He was a total DICK to me, and basically said he won't operate and insinuated I'm a crybaby that needs psychological help. Uh huh. So I was feeling somewhat suicidal again after that appointment and I'm still trying to figure out how the HELL I am going to cope with this pain. It's been 5 weeks now since the last surgery, and the pain started coming back pretty badly last week. Nuff said for now.

Oh!! Here's something funny, in a "my luck is the worst luck on the face of the earth" kind of way.... Last week I was standing at my bathroom sink brushing my teeth and I heard a thump behind me. I turned just in time for the laundry room door to fall off its hinges and slam into my face. Broken nose and a black eye later....! How fucking RANDOM was that, I ask you!!?? That black cloud needs to take the express bus to Greenland, seriously.

I finally bade a farewell (for my own closure) to the love of my life. After leaving me hanging for so long and saying he needed to find himself, he apparently found someone else also in the process. I'd already come to terms with the fact he is not capable of committing to me, so it wasn't a huge surprise, to be honest. I don't think I'll ever love that way again though. I know people say that, but I gave him my soul.

Now I just need to find my soul again. This year I need to do things for myself. Which may be difficult given the fact I live in constant agony, but I'm going to try.
Wow, what a downer this post has been, huh!?

Ending on a positive note: I have a friend who is a sex god and that, my friends, has never been better. He makes me forget the pain for a while...in fact, he makes me forget that I don't speak french and watch the french channel for an hour before I realize it's not english. Ha!!

D.