Writing from my fog of pain....

Well I still have all the Braden stuff etc. going on but quite frankly, my health is so bad right now it's foremost in the chain of events.
I had dental surgery on Thurs...a gum graft. I have a lot of dental problems linked to my bone disease. (the OI)
Then on Friday I had my quarter-monthly day surgery of the injection into my spinal cord that helps my pain recede temporarily for a month or three.
Well, that dental surgery was a LOT worse than I was led to believe...it's been hellish pain and I wasn't sure I'd even be able to have the spinal surgery I was in such bad shape Friday morning before it (threw up on my way to the hospital even) but I survived. The spinal thing was nothing this time in comparison to the pain my mouth/face has been in the last four days. I went back to the dentist yesterday and it turns out I have a post op infection in my mouth, I'm on heavy duty antibiotics and pain killers which are barely touching it. I had a fever of 103 last night...it was down a bit during the day today but up a bit again tonight and the pain is horrific, eating nearly impossible. I've lived primarily on juice the last few days.
Keep you posted, off for (hopefully) some sleep tonight.
D.

White flag waving in the wind...

It's been simply a horrible week. Braden has done many rotten, some illegal things, and I am done. I've come to the conclusion there is no solution except for him to move out. I've done everything humanly possible to try and turn him from the path he seems determined to follow, and I think the only recourse now is to exercise tough love and let him learn how hard it is to fend for himself in the real world. It breaks my heart, but he just is not figuring it out. I can't have him stealing from me and lying to me all the time and just keep enabling him to do that.
*sigh*
I feel so alone. Once the cat is gone, (she is a feisty girl and appears to have rallied some...I think she will still not be with me much longer, but I've put off the inevitable for the time being, as she seems comfortable) I will truly be alone. Not the greatest time of year to feel that way, although it's never a good time really. I just have this feeling of utter hopelessness; like there really is nothing at all to look forward to or be happy about any more.
D.

heaven :)

:) :) :)

D.

...and beyond...

god, what a week.
Things just keep getting worse and worse with Braden. Greg didn't show up either on Sunday, or yesteday like he promised. He's no help at all.
On top of everything, my poor baby kitty, who I've had nearly 17 years, the same length of time I've had Braden, is dying. It's heartbreaking....she can barely walk now or even stand; her hind legs seem to not work and it's making me cry constantly. I have to wait until Monday for the vet to come....I think she'll have to be put to sleep. :( :( I love this cat; I'm heartbroken. I know she's had a long life, but I will miss her so much. My poor little girl.
I had gotten 200 bucks for the vet and had it on my dresser. Braden knew what it was for, and this morning I counted it again before I put it in my wallet and 20 bucks was missing....then Braden's guidance counsellor called to say he wasn't in school today. Hmmmm shall we put this together and get "Braden skipped school cuz he stole money and was likely doing drugs?" Talk about lowest of the low stealing from the vet fund of his dying pet cat though. *sigh*
I just don't know what to do any more. Greg is supposed to actually come here this morning...he damn well better this time1
D.

Beside myself

Things just keep going further and further to hell.
Braden has stolen money from me already this week, and last night I went to take my mild sleeping pill (the one that gives me even that five or so hours of sleep I have so much trouble getting) and found out he'd stolen two weeks' worth of them from me. Bad enough he was stealing the painkillers that I now have to keep at Cory's house in her safe (don't even go there about the lengths I have taken to hide this shit from him; he's broken into my safe and found every single hiding place until I had to physically remove them from the premises) and if I'm in pain I have to wait until she can bring me some...but now I won't be sleeping for the rest of this month because I can't get more...I get a set amount that is one a day per month and now they're gone. And he of course lies and says he didn't take them "doesn't know what they're even for" Yeah, right. That was his story with the percacets for the last year and he finally admitted he took them. I know exactly how many sleeping pills were in that container and when it was filled. I'm not stupid. On top of it, he screamed at me for an hour last night calling me a 'fucking bitch' and a 'fucking cunt' many times interspersed with the f word every other word because I didn't believe him. I guess he's probably selling them to get his pot. Who knows. I hope he's not taking them. :(
I called his father to come get him tonight, but I doubt he will. He rarely returns my calls. I called Braden's school this morning and oh! what a surprise...he is failing 2 of his 4 classes and rarely attends school, though I see him off every day and he comes home when it's supposedly finished. The news just keeps getting better.
I can't cope with the stealing, lying, verbal abuse, not being able to have my medication I need in the house, or money , coming home after work to a mess that I left clean before work every day, on top of the health crap, the landlord crap...I am at the end of my rope. I'm so worried about him, and nothing I have done has changed the situation. I have seriously explored every avenue except kicking him out permanently, which seems the only thing left to do. :( It breaks my heart. I have tried getting him counselling, (he won't go), social workers, tried making contracts with him, tried getting his dad to help, the school to help, doing extracurricular stuff with him, spending more time with him, talking to him, outside agencies...wtf else can I do!!
I called Mike crying at midnight last night; I woke up crying this morning, it was really rough getting Braden out for school today. Mike called me about an hour ago and I cried again...I'm such a mess but I think he's the only person that truly knows what I go through and cares...I feel so bad being so dependent on him and laying all this shit on him all the time. I feel so alone and just absolutely desperate.
God I just don't know what to do about Braden. :( :( :( I hope I have the strength to deal with this, and I hope by some miracle that he smartens up before he hurts himself on this downward spiral he's on...:(
D.

Maybe I should rethink those antidepressents...?

Just not dealing well with everything right now. I'm so frustrated and sad.
My parents haven't even bothered to call me since the eye surgery (that was 5 days ago) to see how I made out. Not a surprise really. My oldest son also didn't bother... at least until he wanted to watch my cable last night and eat my food. Then he fought with me over helping move furniture so the fridge could be delivered today and left me to do it by myself. Braden steals from me and I keep finding rolling papers so he's obviously still doing drugs. I can barely get in and out of my house due to construction and deal with nothing but flack from the landlords. My broken leg won't heal, I can barely see, and I'm severely depressed. I so want to talk to someone about all this but I'm sure everyone's sick of my whining by now. Mike said he'd call me last night; I was damn near hysterical. But he didn't. I waited but he didn't. He called today and asked if I'm ok. I said yes. It doesn't matter anymore.
Got to go get ready for work.
D.

Tired

I'm tired. Tired of fighting the landlords. Tired of all my health bullshit. Tired of dealing with a teenager with drug and stealing issues. Tired of the selfishness of my older son. Tired of my "family". So tired of dealing with everything alone.
Just tired.
:(
D.