well happy fucking holidays

I had Alex and Amanda over tonight for Xmas eve and drove them home after....not realizing I was leaving Braden alone with an unopened bag with a prescription for my sleeping pills in it in my bedroom I picked up earlier ( I thought it just had my inhaler in it; I didn't realize they'd filled the sleeping pills too; the bag was sealed) until just now...when I realized the bag was open and I hadn't opened it. Took out the bottle and counted...sure enough...two are missing. yes, you may say, only two, but to me...that's two days without sleep, and it's the principle of the thing. I just woke him up and he of course denied it as usual. *sigh*
D.

I can't even think of a title...

So Thursday was the Matt Good concert I looked forward to for the last 3 months.
Unfortunately an hour before I was supposed to leave for the concert I went to a meeting with Braden and his drug counsellor. Braden refused to go to rehab, and told me to "shove my rehab up my ass" among other lovely things he said about me/to me/to the counsellor at the meeting. The counsellor also seemed to blame me for things. I felt I was totally being ganged up on, burst into tears and left. I cried for an hour, didn't think I'd even go to the concert, then felt guilty because I spent 70 bucks on the ticket so I went. Then wished I hadn't. Matt Good. My absolute favourite. I couldn't enjoy it, and was actually in tears several times during the concert. I went alone, which didn't help, when I saw everyone else there NOT alone.
I feel so overwhelmed.
Then on Friday, I woke up to no heat AGAIN (the seven year continuing bullshit of the furnace that does NOT work) Called the landlords, they bitched about me having to pay for a service call...I said it is 58 degrees Fahrenheit in here. The thermostat is set to 72. That tells ME there is something wrong with the furnace.
Nine hours later I was still waiting for the furnace technician to come. And I had to go to work...and Braden had of course not shown up after school... the technician called and said he'd be another hour so I had to call my work and tell my boss I had to cancel the first couple students. He was furious and berating me because our Xmas concert was the next day...I had no choice, the tech. had told me if nobody was here he wouldn't come back until Monday and it was now 50F in here...and I was waiting for him with my coat and boots on it was so cold.
Right after I called my boss Braden came home so I got ready to leave...to find out the workmen outside had parked their flatbed truck behind my car, blocking me in. I asked them to move it several times and they were ignoring me. By now I was in tears and hopelessly late for work. Braden went out and yelled "HEY. MOVE YOUR FUCKING TRUCK NOW!" and since he is twice their size they immediately moved it.
So I got to work finally, only to find out one of the students I cancelled had quit because of short notice and my boss had lost a years' tuition ($700 or so) :( So now I'm in the bad books and I'm worried I might not have a job on top of everything else. I called the student's parents to apologize, but the father was angry and is apparently a bit of a hothead so it's probably to no avail. :(
Luckily the Xmas concert went well today. I hope that helps my case that all my students did well in it.
D.

ups and downs

So lets see...got my car back, spent 400 bucks on snow tires, snapped the key off in the ignition and had to pay another 200 for a new ignition, got in a car accident on Thurs (old lady was in front of me going into the hospital parking lot and couldn't drive, reversed into my car), totally effed my back up...not even a week after spinal surgery. grrr...at least the car's okay, thank goodness! I haven't even had it back a week yet!
Braden stole my painkillers and sold them...I'm sooo fed up with him. Going to see his drug counsellor in person on Monday. And this was the thirty seconds I took them out of my bra and hid them in my pillowcase because my back was too sore to wear my bra and I went to pee for thirty seconds I swear to god and he stole them. WTF.
In good news, I won the contest to go see Matt Good record a dvd recorded performance tomorrow in Toronto! yay!! only 100 people will be in the audience and one will be me! Hope my back will be ok, it's really sore tonight. I'm taking the brat with me so I can keep an eye on him. *sigh*
I think I'm going to see Jewelle tomorrow and finally meet her new baby before the concert too. :) Hope the weather will be good!
Looking forward to tomorrow, there's so little to look forward to these days..
D.

Writing from my fog of pain....

Well I still have all the Braden stuff etc. going on but quite frankly, my health is so bad right now it's foremost in the chain of events.
I had dental surgery on Thurs...a gum graft. I have a lot of dental problems linked to my bone disease. (the OI)
Then on Friday I had my quarter-monthly day surgery of the injection into my spinal cord that helps my pain recede temporarily for a month or three.
Well, that dental surgery was a LOT worse than I was led to believe...it's been hellish pain and I wasn't sure I'd even be able to have the spinal surgery I was in such bad shape Friday morning before it (threw up on my way to the hospital even) but I survived. The spinal thing was nothing this time in comparison to the pain my mouth/face has been in the last four days. I went back to the dentist yesterday and it turns out I have a post op infection in my mouth, I'm on heavy duty antibiotics and pain killers which are barely touching it. I had a fever of 103 last night...it was down a bit during the day today but up a bit again tonight and the pain is horrific, eating nearly impossible. I've lived primarily on juice the last few days.
Keep you posted, off for (hopefully) some sleep tonight.
D.

White flag waving in the wind...

It's been simply a horrible week. Braden has done many rotten, some illegal things, and I am done. I've come to the conclusion there is no solution except for him to move out. I've done everything humanly possible to try and turn him from the path he seems determined to follow, and I think the only recourse now is to exercise tough love and let him learn how hard it is to fend for himself in the real world. It breaks my heart, but he just is not figuring it out. I can't have him stealing from me and lying to me all the time and just keep enabling him to do that.
*sigh*
I feel so alone. Once the cat is gone, (she is a feisty girl and appears to have rallied some...I think she will still not be with me much longer, but I've put off the inevitable for the time being, as she seems comfortable) I will truly be alone. Not the greatest time of year to feel that way, although it's never a good time really. I just have this feeling of utter hopelessness; like there really is nothing at all to look forward to or be happy about any more.
D.

heaven :)

:) :) :)

D.

...and beyond...

god, what a week.
Things just keep getting worse and worse with Braden. Greg didn't show up either on Sunday, or yesteday like he promised. He's no help at all.
On top of everything, my poor baby kitty, who I've had nearly 17 years, the same length of time I've had Braden, is dying. It's heartbreaking....she can barely walk now or even stand; her hind legs seem to not work and it's making me cry constantly. I have to wait until Monday for the vet to come....I think she'll have to be put to sleep. :( :( I love this cat; I'm heartbroken. I know she's had a long life, but I will miss her so much. My poor little girl.
I had gotten 200 bucks for the vet and had it on my dresser. Braden knew what it was for, and this morning I counted it again before I put it in my wallet and 20 bucks was missing....then Braden's guidance counsellor called to say he wasn't in school today. Hmmmm shall we put this together and get "Braden skipped school cuz he stole money and was likely doing drugs?" Talk about lowest of the low stealing from the vet fund of his dying pet cat though. *sigh*
I just don't know what to do any more. Greg is supposed to actually come here this morning...he damn well better this time1
D.

Beside myself

Things just keep going further and further to hell.
Braden has stolen money from me already this week, and last night I went to take my mild sleeping pill (the one that gives me even that five or so hours of sleep I have so much trouble getting) and found out he'd stolen two weeks' worth of them from me. Bad enough he was stealing the painkillers that I now have to keep at Cory's house in her safe (don't even go there about the lengths I have taken to hide this shit from him; he's broken into my safe and found every single hiding place until I had to physically remove them from the premises) and if I'm in pain I have to wait until she can bring me some...but now I won't be sleeping for the rest of this month because I can't get more...I get a set amount that is one a day per month and now they're gone. And he of course lies and says he didn't take them "doesn't know what they're even for" Yeah, right. That was his story with the percacets for the last year and he finally admitted he took them. I know exactly how many sleeping pills were in that container and when it was filled. I'm not stupid. On top of it, he screamed at me for an hour last night calling me a 'fucking bitch' and a 'fucking cunt' many times interspersed with the f word every other word because I didn't believe him. I guess he's probably selling them to get his pot. Who knows. I hope he's not taking them. :(
I called his father to come get him tonight, but I doubt he will. He rarely returns my calls. I called Braden's school this morning and oh! what a surprise...he is failing 2 of his 4 classes and rarely attends school, though I see him off every day and he comes home when it's supposedly finished. The news just keeps getting better.
I can't cope with the stealing, lying, verbal abuse, not being able to have my medication I need in the house, or money , coming home after work to a mess that I left clean before work every day, on top of the health crap, the landlord crap...I am at the end of my rope. I'm so worried about him, and nothing I have done has changed the situation. I have seriously explored every avenue except kicking him out permanently, which seems the only thing left to do. :( It breaks my heart. I have tried getting him counselling, (he won't go), social workers, tried making contracts with him, tried getting his dad to help, the school to help, doing extracurricular stuff with him, spending more time with him, talking to him, outside agencies...wtf else can I do!!
D.

Maybe I should rethink those antidepressents...?

Just not dealing well with everything right now. I'm so frustrated and sad.
My parents haven't even bothered to call me since the eye surgery (that was 5 days ago) to see how I made out. Not a surprise really. My oldest son also didn't bother... at least until he wanted to watch my cable last night and eat my food. Then he fought with me over helping move furniture so the fridge could be delivered today and left me to do it by myself. Braden steals from me and I keep finding rolling papers so he's obviously still doing drugs. I can barely get in and out of my house due to construction and deal with nothing but flack from the landlords. My broken leg won't heal, I can barely see, and I'm severely depressed. I so want to talk to someone about all this but I'm sure everyone's sick of my whining by now.
Got to go get ready for work.
D.

Tired

I'm tired. Tired of fighting the landlords. Tired of all my health bullshit. Tired of dealing with a teenager with drug and stealing issues. Tired of the selfishness of my older son. Tired of my "family". So tired of dealing with everything alone.
Just tired.
:(
D.

whatever works I say

make a wish: http://www.real-wishes.com





make a wish

"The clamps! You want I shoud use the clamps or clamp-like device, boss?" Futurama

It's been a weird week...
I've had major issues with the landlords and don't know how these people even live with themselves, seriously. I can't even get into it right now on here; it absolutely flabbergasts me in its completely asinine stupidity.

Poor Mike has been sick as a dog all week. He seems to have this H1N1 crap and I've felt so bad for him. He never gets sick (other than when he had cancer a few years back; DARK times)so it worries me when it happens. (after the cancer thing)

I had laser surgery on my right eye today for the hole in my retina. The procedure itself wasn't too bad, except for the "clamp" thing they use to hold your eyeball in place to laser it. Braden and I have now forever dubbed it the "eye clamp". Then you have to hold perfectly still for a series of blinding lights that are the laser and you feel half blind for several minutes after from the brightness of it, and your eye waters like crazy after being released from the clamp. Afterwards it did sting and it's still aching like a bitch. It's like a migraine mostly embedded in my eye. Vision's still a bit blurry, if I'm making typos in this entry, that's my excuse! The surgeon told me I will most likely have a permanent black dot in my vision in that eye, since the hole was right in my central line of vision. I'll take a black dot and partial vision loss over total blindness any day though! :)

I went to the fracture clinic yesterday and was told I'll be wearing this cast for at least another month until I see the ortho again Dec 2nd. Meh.

My eye is still aching so I will cut this entry short now.
D.

Is it the moon or am i sadly in need of anti-depressants?

It's a full moon and my friend Jewelle has been telling me that's the reason I've felt like my soul is dying for the last few days. I'm prone to fits of depression occasionally and I refuse to take anti-depressants because I already take enough prescription medicine. The last few days have not been pretty though. I've been trying to snap myself out of it to no avail. I just have never felt so alone and hopeless before.
I went to a couple of appointments at the hospital today; diabetic specialist and an MRI tonight. Mike took me to run errands.
I actually heard from Alex tonight; didn't think I ever would again, but he was friendly and stuff so I guess that's okay.
Hope I can break out of this funk soon.
D.

bringing the sexy

Went to the family doctor on Wednessday about the ankle from hell. She agreed she thought it was still broken and sent me for more x-rays. The results came in on Thursday:
"Persistent fracture. No signs of healing."
Which I pretty much knew already. Why the cast was taken off two weeks ago is beyond me.
So they called the fracture clinic and were told I would have to wait to see the original ortho surgeon...who is on holidays until Nov. 12th!!! Can you believe how fucking stupid that is!?? I obviously told them there's no way I'm walking around uncasted on a broken ankle for another two weeks. So yesterday they sent me to the ER, and I now am sporting the sexiest look of all which I'm hopefully linking to a pic on here if I can figure it out. WTH happened to being able to post pics on here...!It's quite the contraption, hopefully it helps this damn ankle heal soon; I really want to drive again some day!

update: linking did not work, you'll have to copy and paste the link here in your browser to see the damn thing, sorry :

http://mypictures.bell.ca/view/uploads/details.do?lsdb=7&elementID=7843920257&subretailerid=BELLM&containerID=2150341121&page=1&retailerid=BELLM

finding my way through the labrynth...

Well.
Thursday did NOT go as expected.
A came over and was even hotter/ more gorgeous than I remembered. We talked, caught up etc...then other things....and those other things did not go well, let's just say. It's weird how you can have the best sex of your life with a person, then a couple years later the total opposite with the same person. How can that be? It was very nice to see him though, and I have to say that beyond the shadow of a doubt, I am over him finally. It's hard to explain: I just wasn't feeling it like before, like he's a completely different person than the one I loved. He's a nice person, and absolutely one of the most gorgeous men I've ever seen, but there's something missing. He's not the geek I fell for. Ah well, closure is a good thing! This/he has been hanging over my head for the last 8 years. I was really worried I wouldn't be over him if I saw him again in person, but I am. Yay!
D.

Is it getting hot in here?

No, I think it's just me.
The risque emails I did receive today...hooboy!
I think there will be gratification this Thursday...with any luck. I didn't know it would go this fast with Alex.
All I know is I've never been so hot for anyone as I am for him.
D.

Sunday funnies

Well, that's a misnomer, because there really wasn't much funny about today. It was a beautiful October afternoon. I was, of course, stuck indoors.
Yesterday I attempted to walk the two blocks to the store on crutches. TWO BLOCKS. It was a fucking nightmare. I had to take many, many breaks, and stupidly thought if I brought the grocery cart home I wouldn't have to carry my purchases. Not realizing that it was downhill most of the way home. Have you ever tried to hobble with a crutch under one arm, the other on a grocery cart trying desperately to rein it in while it quickly gains speed going downhill and being urged on by semi-high winds? While having to take constant breaks for the aching pain you're feeling in your ankle, and nearly being blown off kilter every 30 seconds by the wind/acceleration of said grocery cart? I was crying by the time I got home and won't be repeating that experience any time soon. I go to the doctor this Wednesday for this damn ankle and I hope to god they can do something about it! That's ridiculous; they've obviously taken the cast off too soon.
Received a couple of emails from A this weekend; apparently he has the flu or something.
I made homemade veggie soup today that was delicious. I feel like all I do is sit around on my ass which is gradually or not so gradually getting fatter from sitting on it constantly and filling my face.
I have a majorly busy week ahead of me. At least it will keep me from sitting around and eating from boredom!
D.

crankypants

It's dismal, foggy, rainy and cold outside and in my heart currently. :P
It's been a weird week. Slightly depressing; boring.
Today I got another Alex email....changing his mind again. WTF. Men are worse than women with changing their minds, I swear.
D.

drunk dialling

Drunk and....I came clean, and I don't think it's probably good.
That's all.for now.
D.

anticipation

Well, I finally made a decision.
I'm going to see A tomorrow. Well, A is coming to see me, rather, after work. I'm actually really excited/trepidatious at the prospect; it's been so long and we always had such amazing chemistry. So nervous!
D.

crankypants

I am cranky. My landlord is a fucking dick troll. That is all on that front. No other explanations needed.
A certain person is totally effing with my head. 16 emails before 2 pm. That is all. Sixteen. (I typed sexteen the first time...subliminally? i dunno....lol)I want to see him. But I don't.
Bah.
D.

What the eff!?

How in hell could I lose an essential undergarment like a bra, I ask you!? I have torn this house apart and I swear to GOD I have NOT been stripping outside....recently. :P
D.

Blast from the Past

Confusion is my middle name.
Because I heard from he who's name shall not be spoken last night. (hint: it was Alex.) And he wants to see me.
And I am very stupid because I'm considering it.
Argh.
D.

Disgusting

I am disgusted by the fact that the U.S. military currently does not allow gay men and women to serve their country unless they lie about their sexual orientation. Obama certainly better repeal that ban ASAP, it's appalling.

I have never understood homophobia, or why homosexuals aren't allowed the same rights as heterosexuals. Maybe I'm just more liberated than most, but I just don't get it. Racism, sexism, any prejudice = no excuse for it. Prejudice of any kind should not be tolerated, but still appears to be alive and well. *sigh*

D.

Peace/pieces

First order of business: I cannot for the life of me fathom why in the HELL Obama was given a Nobel Peace Prize...he was in office all of what...two weeks?...when he was nominated for it, and is, in fact, still at war with more than one nation...so how exactly does this embody peace??? Obviously TPTB are just trying to drive home to us how much more awesome Obama is compared to George Doubleya. And really a TicTac running the country would be better than Bush, but we don't award them Nobel Peace Prizes. I'm not saying that somewhere down the road he won't actually deserve this for something he may do in the future, but I think there were a lot more deserving individuals this time around that did actual deeds that promoted peace.

Second: oooooh, do NOT get me started on Stephen Harper and the total hypocrisy of his "surprise" performance at an arts gala last weekend. It was obviously totally orchestrated (pardon the pun) to generate more popularity for him...to show his "human side" (barf) and to counteract his total LACK of support for the arts in the past. He is still not supporting them; but this is an attempt to make it look as though he does. I am also offended that one author of an article I read about it said he "wasn't as bad as Ringo" doing the Beatles tune he sang. Please. Ringo rocks!!


D.

There's a hole in my retina, dear Liza, dear Liza...

So it turns out the reason I can't see out of my right eye (they're both kinda shit but the right one's definitely the worst) is because there's a hole in my retina and it's leaking blood. So I will be having eye surgery in 3 weeks. I've had problems for about a year now with retinal hemhorraging with the diabetes, but worse the last couple months. The retina specialist said I won't get my sight that's left the building back, but they'll prevent further vision loss so that's good. Always something, eh.
Pain's been returning in my spine, so kind of a not good week here, lack of sleep and all that. But on the plus side, I think I get my cast off my leg next week to trade in for an air cast, so that should help, plus I freakin' HATE casts so yay for it leaving! I've been cranky for the last 3 days. Listening to the new Matt Good album right now though, that's helping!! :) :) Hilarious that Mike went and bought this for me (hilarious to me, anyway, knowing as I do that Mike HATES Matt with a passion; his music and generally as a human being - he toured with him years ago and can't stand him)
:D
Been hanging with Mike quite a bit; good thing we're enjoying it as I won't be able to drive probably for about another month with the broken leg still and the eye stuff. I'm sure he's glad too as he was jokingly threatening to take me for a walk in the woods on uneven ground the other day hahaha (to break the other leg; he likes having the car lol)
:)
D.

le sigh

I can go from so happy to so miserable in such an inordinately short span of time I think I might actually lose my mind.
I'm so sad that some of my friends think I am really just a selfish, manipulative nasty person. I honestly have never seen myself as deliberately manipulating anyone ever, and if I have complained or vented to friends, it's because they were friends, I thought that's what friends do, and I would certainly reciprocate, and have, for anyone wanting to talk to me. I never meant to be demanding or anything else. It saddens me to be seen this way. I hate myself. Can you really be so selfish if you hate yourself? Maybe that in itself is selfish, I don't even know anymore. I certainly don't like myself at all. And feel I can't be myself, because myself is an asshole it seems.
:( I'm going to have to try to turn myself into something that people can actually like. I thought I was a good person, but now I don't think so anymore.
D.

so sweet

You may have to copy and paste this link into your browser to get it to work, I'm having problems with the linking button, but this is the nicest video anyone could ever have sent me to cheer me up while I was down. :) :) Keep in mind that I am the world's hugest Barry Manilow fan ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul-djevrA30&feature=related

( I think it's more the thought of this person searching for that online for me that amuses me more than anything! lol)
D.

Jinxy

So I totally jinxed myself last week when I talked about how good I was feeling on here. On the weekend I was walking along at the mall normally and snap! Broken ankle and foot. I had a good run, it's been two years since my last fracture, but it's small consolation really. I was really worried I was going to lose my job over it...I have to drive to Stoney Creek and Ancaster to teach...but tadah! Mike is my hero: I put him on my insurance yesterday, and he picked up my car today: he's going to drive me to and from my various music studios and then go to and from his, which is very out of the way, in Dundas. I think he's the best person in the world.
I go to the fracture clinic this Thursday for my cast; it's splinted at the moment. And I'm in a wheelchair again indefinitely.
I'm really noticing how NOT wheelchair accessible my supposedly wheelchair accessible unit I live in is. I can't reach the cupboards at all, barely reach the sinks, the stove burners are slanted and dump hot pots in my lap, and I can't get back in the house when I go out..although there is a wheelchair ramp, there is a two inch ledge in the doorway which makes it impossible for me to get back in once I'm out...I was trapped out there this morning until Mike came back from the library for me. (yes, he does errands too! Do his merits never end?? Don't even get me goin'!:D)
This is my 19th ankle fracture and I think in overall fractures I'm in the 50's now. It really burns my ass that this probably could have been avoided if the government would have agreed to my request back in January to have the treatment of Aclasta, which is supposed to significantly reduce fractures in people with Osteogenesis Imperfecta (OI). It's $750 dollars for one treatment for 15 minutes through an IV once a year. I can't afford it, being a single mom primarily on disability. *sigh*
So here we go again.
I had a mild pity party this morning when I was having a really hard time cleaning up...read: impossible. I had a little cry and feel ashamed now because I know how much worse off many people are and I have no right to feel sorry for myself really.
In other better news, Matt Good is touring again this fall for his new CD and will be in Hamilton in December. No groupie-ing for me this time with the bum leg/wheelchair unfortunately, but I will see him in Hamilton at least even if I have to crawl there. :)
Multiple fracturally,
D.

Deb the Fool

I had such a great day yesterday. Well, until I had to go for a really boring meeting at work with rules and regulations drilled into my head for two and a half straight hours! ha

Before that, I took the painting down to Mike's, he made tea, then we went down to the bayfront and walked and talked and sat on the patio down there for a couple hours. It was really nice. Wish I hadn't had to leave so soon to go to work. He really liked the painting and said it cheered him up some. His wedding was supposed to have been on Saturday, so it's been really rough on him, poor guy. I wish he wasn't so upset/heartbroken and I kinda wish I didn't care that he is so much.

My friend April thinks I should do my associate degree in music pedagogy...I'm thinking about it, but man, sooooo much work involved in that. She thinks I'll have that many more private students if I have the "letters" after my name. We shall see.

I went off my pain patch a week ago and I'm doing REALLY well so far. I feel better than I've felt in a very long time (*knock wood*) and I hope it lasts. Forever, ideally! :)

Back to school/work for Braden and I today. Think I'll remember all those rules?? hahahaha

D.

That ever so elusive bluebird of happiness

So my computer's been broken, but I'm blogging now, so there.
Been doing pretty much the same old...teaching here and there (it's slow in the summer) and summer kind of stuff, as far as you can when in chronic pain, anyway.
I had the temp. spinal surgery again two weeks ago so I'm doing pretty well at the moment, I even went off my pain patch a few days ago just to prove to myself I'm not dependent on that shit. It's been rough, but I'm going to try and stay off it until the pain gets too much to stand again. :)
Braden's been working for his dad (my ex husband) the last couple weeks and did really well, apparently. It was really hard physical labour, industrial roofing. Alex tried it too, but well....it's Alex we're talking about here, and apparently he was taking 75 minute shits 3 times a day so was "let go" after 4 days. Laziest. Person. Ever. That's all I'm saying about it, and thank god he lives with Amanda now, and not here or I would have to strangle him.
Mike's been really depressed and withdrawn (his fiancee left him a few months ago out of the blue, and he's really worried about losing his house and is just really sad over it, poor guy.) We kinda had words the other day. (that is what we do) I feel bad for him though and tonight I was figuring out what I could do to cheer him up (and NO, not THAT O_o) so I decided to paint him "the bluebird of happiness." Yeah, I'm a sap. Shut up. It actually turned out pretty well, hopefully I'll give it to him tomorrow. He's always liked my paintings and strangely, I've never done one for him before, even though he's my oldest and best friend.
Back to school for Braden in two days, and back to work for moi.
:)
Talk soon
D.

apartments for the fracturally challenged?

Well here we are in August already. It's finally some semblance of summer here; June and July were more like autumn really. Not that I'm complaining, autumn's my fave! But still no apartment in sight. I still hate my neighbours and the house is still falling down around me. I refuse to give up; there has to be an apartment for me out there somewhere! I hope I find it before the snow flies. *sigh*

Last week's visit with Seany went well. Mike and I fought the entire time to and from and during the visit, but that's what we do. Sean seemed very tired and weak. I hope the cardiologist can do something for him when he sees him again next week.

I've been sick with stomach flu and swollen leg/ankles. The doctor thinks it may be my kidneys (diabetes related) and ordered some blood tests but I feel better today and Braden's sick to his stomach now too so I'm sure it's all okay.

On top of my mother being sick with cancer, my father called today and apparently has to have a triple heart bypass surgery asap. Boy, my family is really lucky healthwise. The doctor said he's lucky he is alive; three of his arteries are 80% blocked. yikes. He's not allowed to do anything until his surgery basically, and they're making arrangements for mom to stay at the hospital free of charge too so they can care for her while he's in there. That's something at least, I guess.

And we march on, under the little black cloud, which seems to be expanding...

Always that little ray of sunshine you can count on,
D.

and the black cloud thrives....

I went to the new neuro surgeon at the beginning of this week and he basically reiterated what the last surgeon said...that being that my cervical spine is inoperable and that I should seek mental help/ antidepressants. I would not be "depressed" if I weren't in agony 24/7 but they don't seem to comprehend this.
I was pretty inconsolable for a few days, but a friend of mine suggested I go see his therapist, which I did yesterday. He was like a fat, jolly, Chinese version of Santa but with all the swear words intact. :) I rather enjoyed our hour together in spite of having to bare my soul to him but I hope he can help me. And without more damn drugs. Hell, I could open up my own private pharmacy at this point, more drugs is the last thing I need.
My dear friend Seany is very ill. It's his heart, and I hope to go and see him again in a couple weeks. Mike has promised to take me to see him, (My eyes are horrible from diabetes these days and I feel scared , as should the drivers around me! when I'm on the highway and can't see properly) which is big of him really, seeing as the last time Mike saw Sean he disrupted his birthday party (he was wasted) and was fighting with many of the partygoers and flinging gay slurs at them (99% of the attendees were gay). Mike has been ashamed of this for years and has apologized profusely for his actions that day. Sean is the most forgiving, accepting person in the world, and has often told me that since I adore Mike, Mike is always welcome at his house. Luckily! They are my two very best friends in the world and I am glad they can get along in spite of what occurred in the past. They've both been very sick in the last while. Mike had cancer a couple years ago and thankfully recovered from it; I was a mess...that hit me so hard. I truly love him so much; it was awful. I hope Seany recovers from this; he's much too young to have health issues of this nature; he's only 34. :( I don't know what I'd do without him and I refuse to find out.
Everything seems so surreal lately. It's like everyone's getting sick and everything's going wrong...please let it all improve soon!
I kicked Alex (my oldest son) out of my house today. It wasn't hostile, I just told him that I feel I'm enabling him to continue being lazy and not find work or school by letting him stay here. He agreed with me. It was very amicable and I hope it gives him the kick in the pants I feel is needed. He's staying with his girlfriend's parents and hopefully he will feel guilty enough sponging off them instead of me to more actively seek employment.
Whew. I'm running off at the mouth (fingers?)here and must find my bed now.
D.

blabbity blah

I haven't blogged in six months...a lot has happened. I've been having horrible issues with my youngest son, who fell in with a bad crowd this year at school and has been arrested three times since my last blog entry. I am at my wits' end with him, we've tried counselling, all sorts of punishments...he doesn't seem to care. His most recent arrest was last week and we're waiting to see if the police are going to charge him this time and give him a criminal record...*sigh*. My oldest son flunked out of college first semester and has since gotten and lost a job and is currently unemployed and not in school. I feel like a complete failure as a parent. *sigh*

My pain has escalated...I had the temp. surgery "fix" five weeks ago and the pain is already back full force. I see another neuro surgeon on the 13th and hope and pray this one will operate and find a permanent solution to this hell.

My sister's husband called my son last week and told him my mother is very ill. I think she's dying. I went to visit her last weekend and she's not well at all...she has lymphoma and it's spread to her bone marrow and she was in terrible spirits while we were there. :( I know we've had our differences, but I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and I'm trying to mend our fences.

Things just seem like a nightmare lately.
Speaking of dreams...I had one about Alex (my ex-love, not my son) yesterday and even though I haven't thought about him in so long it's totally fucked me up the last couple days...grrr. Will I ever get over that???? :( :(
D.

the little black cloud that follows me around

Holy crap, I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted on here!! *slaps self* I seriously need to update this thing a TINY bit more often. *blush*

So let's see....where to begin. My oldest son is doing okay in college, he's been home for the holidays for the last month and goes back this weekend. My youngest son has been bowing some to peer pressure and I've been pissed off and worried, but I hope he's seen the light at the end of the popularity tunnel. Holidays were okay, because I had the temporary spinal surgery again Nov. 28th. The two months leading up to that surgery I won't even get into details on...let's just say the first surgery's pain relief lasted 5 weeks, so the interim was soooooo painful I was seriously contemplating harming myself.

I finally saw the neuro surgeon that I've been waiting 7 months to see this week. It did NOT go well. He was a total DICK to me, and basically said he won't operate and insinuated I'm a crybaby that needs psychological help. Uh huh. So I was feeling somewhat suicidal again after that appointment and I'm still trying to figure out how the HELL I am going to cope with this pain. It's been 5 weeks now since the last surgery, and the pain started coming back pretty badly last week. Nuff said for now.

Oh!! Here's something funny, in a "my luck is the worst luck on the face of the earth" kind of way.... Last week I was standing at my bathroom sink brushing my teeth and I heard a thump behind me. I turned just in time for the laundry room door to fall off its hinges and slam into my face. Broken nose and a black eye later....! How fucking RANDOM was that, I ask you!!?? That black cloud needs to take the express bus to Greenland, seriously.

I finally bade a farewell (for my own closure) to the love of my life. After leaving me hanging for so long and saying he needed to find himself, he apparently found someone else also in the process. I'd already come to terms with the fact he is not capable of committing to me, so it wasn't a huge surprise, to be honest. I don't think I'll ever love that way again though. I know people say that, but I gave him my soul.

Now I just need to find my soul again. This year I need to do things for myself. Which may be difficult given the fact I live in constant agony, but I'm going to try.
Wow, what a downer this post has been, huh!?

Ending on a positive note: I have a friend who is a sex god and that, my friends, has never been better. He makes me forget the pain for a while...in fact, he makes me forget that I don't speak french and watch the french channel for an hour before I realize it's not english. Ha!!

D.