and the black cloud thrives....

I went to the new neuro surgeon at the beginning of this week and he basically reiterated what the last surgeon said...that being that my cervical spine is inoperable and that I should seek mental help/ antidepressants. I would not be "depressed" if I weren't in agony 24/7 but they don't seem to comprehend this.
I was pretty inconsolable for a few days, but a friend of mine suggested I go see his therapist, which I did yesterday. He was like a fat, jolly, Chinese version of Santa but with all the swear words intact. :) I rather enjoyed our hour together in spite of having to bare my soul to him but I hope he can help me. And without more damn drugs. Hell, I could open up my own private pharmacy at this point, more drugs is the last thing I need.
My dear friend Seany is very ill. It's his heart, and I hope to go and see him again in a couple weeks. Mike has promised to take me to see him, (My eyes are horrible from diabetes these days and I feel scared , as should the drivers around me! when I'm on the highway and can't see properly) which is big of him really, seeing as the last time Mike saw Sean he disrupted his birthday party (he was wasted) and was fighting with many of the partygoers and flinging gay slurs at them (99% of the attendees were gay). Mike has been ashamed of this for years and has apologized profusely for his actions that day. Sean is the most forgiving, accepting person in the world, and has often told me that since I adore Mike, Mike is always welcome at his house. Luckily! They are my two very best friends in the world and I am glad they can get along in spite of what occurred in the past. They've both been very sick in the last while. Mike had cancer a couple years ago and thankfully recovered from it; I was a mess...that hit me so hard. I truly love him so much; it was awful. I hope Seany recovers from this; he's much too young to have health issues of this nature; he's only 34. :( I don't know what I'd do without him and I refuse to find out.
Everything seems so surreal lately. It's like everyone's getting sick and everything's going wrong...please let it all improve soon!
I kicked Alex (my oldest son) out of my house today. It wasn't hostile, I just told him that I feel I'm enabling him to continue being lazy and not find work or school by letting him stay here. He agreed with me. It was very amicable and I hope it gives him the kick in the pants I feel is needed. He's staying with his girlfriend's parents and hopefully he will feel guilty enough sponging off them instead of me to more actively seek employment.
Whew. I'm running off at the mouth (fingers?)here and must find my bed now.
D.

blabbity blah

I haven't blogged in six months...a lot has happened. I've been having horrible issues with my youngest son, who fell in with a bad crowd this year at school and has been arrested three times since my last blog entry. I am at my wits' end with him, we've tried counselling, all sorts of punishments...he doesn't seem to care. His most recent arrest was last week and we're waiting to see if the police are going to charge him this time and give him a criminal record...*sigh*. My oldest son flunked out of college first semester and has since gotten and lost a job and is currently unemployed and not in school. I feel like a complete failure as a parent. *sigh*

My pain has escalated...I had the temp. surgery "fix" five weeks ago and the pain is already back full force. I see another neuro surgeon on the 13th and hope and pray this one will operate and find a permanent solution to this hell.

My sister's husband called my son last week and told him my mother is very ill. I think she's dying. I went to visit her last weekend and she's not well at all...she has lymphoma and it's spread to her bone marrow and she was in terrible spirits while we were there. :( I know we've had our differences, but I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and I'm trying to mend our fences.

Things just seem like a nightmare lately.
Speaking of dreams...I had one about Alex (my ex-love, not my son) yesterday and even though I haven't thought about him in so long it's totally fucked me up the last couple days...grrr. Will I ever get over that???? :( :(
D.